Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

I know I know.. I just keep digging myself into that unlady like hole deeper and deeper...   



Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
 
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
 
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
 
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
 
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
 
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
 
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
 
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
 
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
 
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
 
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
 
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
 
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
 
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
 
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
 
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
 
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[TAB]

Before Marriage
John - Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane - Jave you ever cheated on me?
John - NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kills me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes
Jane - Darling!


After Marriage
Read from the bottom back to the top.

[Teresa Heilevang]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," She replied.

"Oh that!  That is nothing. Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," He explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied......."Your horse called."

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Bill Stryker]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

There are less than eight months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice.
 
     It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
 
      If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Two Ways to Look at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything. 

[Teresa Heilevang]

WALKING AND BEER

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
   
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
   
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
   
Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it.

[ericire12]

Two Ways to Look at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything. 

Yes, there is a woman's perspective and then there is reality - Nobody tell me wife I said that, ok.

[Teresa Heilevang]

You will all get a kick out of this ........
the $2 Bill.
Everyone should start carrying them! I think we need to quit
saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. We could have a lot of fun! The
younger generation doesn't know they exist.

STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped
at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and
a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not
have to worry about any one getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go."

At this point, I open my billfold and hand
him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec,
I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No... A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says,
"We don't take these.Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been
watching me like I'm a shoplifter,
and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get
change"

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird.
I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says,
"I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really, tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and
calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people
staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for
effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying
to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this.... A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake
a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know…. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing
he has
is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is.."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar
bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?"
Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some
fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in
here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat,
 so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with
this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches
like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes
the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike,
what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him
like he's an idiot, and it dawns on
the guy that he has no clue..
So, it turns out that my burrito was free,
and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two
dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got
the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail.
You get free food there, too.

Just think...those two will be voting soon........................................