Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.



When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home .
 
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
 
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
 
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
 
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
 
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." 

[tt11758]

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, ‘I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican’

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”
 


...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...

[tt11758]

 Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your own home......
 
 
 
This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic


















If you noticed the bar sign, you are definitely an alcoholic.  (Either that, or you're Barney Frank) 









 

[ellis4538]

tt, I think that one deserves a place in the "Classic Motivational Poster" thread...IMNSHO

Richard


PS:  Think I saw her sister on stage...she was crawled out and tried to stand up...quite an act!

[Solus]

Reminds me of a woman who was a friend of my brother-in-laws.

She had breast reduction surgery and had 8lbs of tissue removed from each side......

She still looked striking.

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

Reminds me of a woman who was a friend of my brother-in-laws.

She had breast reduction surgery and had 8lbs of tissue removed from each side......

She still looked striking.

That's just a slap in the face to God.  Like she couldn't find some guy to help her tote em when they got too heavy for her. 

[Solus]

That's just a slap in the face to God.  Like she couldn't find some guy to help her tote em when they got too heavy for her. 

Actually she had great deal of difficulty coming to that decision. 

She said back aches, finding clothes to fit and the response of everyone to seeing her played a part.

But mostly it was the guys who made the offers to help her with them and other offers that tipped the scales.  I guess she figured it was easier to slap God once than slap men for the rest of her life....

[crusader rabbit]

Stupid joke for the day: Do you know any jokes about salt?  Na.

[tt11758]

Stupid joke for the day: Do you know any jokes about salt?  Na.

BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ellis4538]

Letter to the Men's Helpline:
 
Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: 
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes  out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it ?