Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

I was watching the presidents speech the other night about the economy and jobs when my wife called from another room and asked, "What are you watching on TV?"
I called back to her and said, "Re-Runs".

[tombogan03884]

Subject: LOST BALOONIST

  A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[PegLeg45]

At the last wedding I went to, during the reception, someone yelled out for all the married men to go stand by the person that made their lives worth living... sadly, the bartender was crushed to death.

[Majer]

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.


You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.



We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?



The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.


A fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party.


When blondes have more fun do they know it?



Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.


Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.


If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you.


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.



Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.



Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.


ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population



"I think Members of Congress should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

[tt11758]

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

Isn't that the official motto of the Obama White House?

[Sponsor]

[Majer]

Isn't that the official motto of the Obama White House?

Seems like it

[Majer]

A group of liberal democrats saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so
they stopped. The leader walked over, and asked ,
"What are you doing?"

"I'm committing suicide," she replied.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to
miss an opportunity.

"Before you jump, give me a kiss?" She gave him a long, deep
lingering kiss.

The Liberal Democrat said,"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

[tt11758]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;   
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive..

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less


NOW .............

Enough of that crap   . ..   The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had  tried to bury him.   
The gash from the bite got  infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[tt11758]

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut up in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car

 

[Majer]

As near as I can tell, to be a liberal:

    You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

    IF there is a church that is valid it has been pre-approved by the government.

    You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand ... in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

    You have to believe that the same public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

    You have to believe that everyone on the internet is a pervert BUT the school officials who want to do vaginal exams on your daughter without telling you have your best interest at heart.

    You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

    You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

    You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

    You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

    You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

    You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty, fey activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

    You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

    You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

    You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

    You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.

    You have to believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

    You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

    You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

    You have to believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

    You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man who is jealous of Tom Selleck.

    You have to believe conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.

    You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.



Sadly this really isn't a joke