Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

I always wanted this t-shirt, but the wife said no. 

[Bill Stryker]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it — let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each
year.

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

 

Magic Sandals
 



A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs....

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'


 
 







 

 

[tt11758]

 

Magic Sandals
  



A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs....

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'


 
 







 

 

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!! 

[tt11758]

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

An excerpt from Hazcat's Diary..............

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another

[tt11758]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl".   
 
"Now ... I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $70,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 74-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."   
 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.   
 
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.         

[tt11758]

Two young businessmen in Florida
were sitting down for a break in

their soon-to-be new store in the
shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't

ready, with only a few shelves and display
racks set up.

 One said to the other, "I'll bet that any
minute now some senior is going

to walk by, put his face to the window,
and ask what we're selling."

 

Sure enough, just a moment later,
a curious senior gentleman walked up

to the window, looked around
intensely and rapped on the glass, then

in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

 

One of the men replied
sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,
"You must be doing well.

Only two left."

 

Seniors -- don't mess with them,

They didn't get old by being stupid.

*************************************************************************************

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists.  You can't be older than 42 to
join the military.  They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys.  You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35. 

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.  'My back hurts!  I can't
sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe
letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.. 

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am.  Old guys
always get up early to pee, so what the hell.  Besides, like I
said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may
as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where
we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.  We've also
developed an appreciation for guns.  We've been using them
for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the
screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet. 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
 
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know
that their best years are already behind them.   

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol They'll have it secured the first night! 

*************************************************************************

A lady, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,

she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.


The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you,

are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

********************************************************************************



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[crusader rabbit]

British Humor:

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
--------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did...she's 21 and her name's Kandi.
--------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
--------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
-------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
---------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, "I am not understanding the question please."
 

[tombogan03884]