Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

A little comic relief for the day.....not for the faint of heart (I'm sure M'ette will appreciate it).     

       

I wonder why this was sent to me by a woman??

[Pathfinder]

A little comic relief for the day.....not for the faint of heart (I'm sure M'ette will appreciate FORWARD it).     

       

I wonder why this was sent to me by a woman??

FIFY.

[FSBARAK]

About 2 weeks ago, I was looking around the Web for the BIGGEST
sky rocket that I could get shipped to me via common freight
carrier. I located a fireworks importer in Wisconsin who had this
mondo sky rocket -- biggest thing I had ever seen -- called a
SkyDragon. These things are 48 inches tall and are mounted on a
1/2-inch wooden dowel. Pure aerospace engineering.

I plopped down a bunch of money and had him send me two cases
of these things. They arrived at the freight dock a few days ago
and I had to drive the van over to pick them up. Two boxes each 2
feet by 2 feet by 4 feet in size containing 80 rockets each. The
'Class 4 Explosives' sticker on the side of each box was a real
bonus. I am gonna have to save them for the scrapbook.

That night, me and the kiddos had a gen-u-ine rocket launch
ceremony. I placed one of these beauties in a liter-size glass
bottle and the bottle fell over. Hmmmm- this thing was waaay
too big. I looked around the shop for a pipe to set it in, but
realized that the only dirt I could drive the pipe into was in
plain sight of my neighbor's house. I knew he was a cool guy,
but I didn't want him to call the cops. You see, 'projectile-type'
fireworks are totally illegal in this county. I was surprised that
the Buncombe County Sheriff Department wasn't waiting for me at
the loading dock when I picked these things up. Anyhow, I finally
rigged a launch pad by prying up one of the driveway drain grates
with a crowbar and sitting the stick into the deep pit. Looked
sorta like an ICBM silo with its hardened lid slid aside.

I asked which of my three kids wanted to light the fuse, but all
took a few steps back and politely declined. Chickens. Kids just
aren't made the same nowadays. They fulfill their danger quotient
by shooting bad guys in video games. About as far from real danger
as you can get, if you ask me.

I told the little weenies to stand back as I bent to light the
device with a Bic lighter.

The lady at the fireworks importer promised me that these things
would not make any noise. I told her that they had to be relatively
quiet so I could shoot them off in my neighborhood without causing
"undue alarm". She said I wouldn't have any problem. I emphasized
the particular legal problems I would have if there were any
type of loud report at apogee. I emphasized the fact that I lived
right next to a National Park and that any type of firework that
was discharged or assumed to be discharged on that property would
get me sent before a federal judge right before I got sent to the
county judge. She again assured me I would have no problem.

That lying woman.

That rocket engine had a burn time about as long as any I had ever
seen, and the ascent echoed off the surrounding trees. Diamond
shock patterns extended from the back end. It kept going and going
and going. When it hit apogee at about 1000 feet, the rocket
disintegrated into a huge shower of silent red sparks. Pretty
cool, I thought ...until the shower of sparks burned out and
suddenly transformed into a cloud of extremely bright and loud
explosions. The kids scrambled into the back door Three Stooges
style (i.e.: where all three try to get through the same closed
door at once) and left me standing in the smoking haze waiting for
the cops to arrive. The dogs that live along our street were all
barking their heads off at the apparition they had just witnessed
in the night sky.

That ended the fireworks test for the night.

The next day, my oldest son and I decided we were gonna "neuter"
one of the rockets so it wouldn't make any noise. I took him into
the garage closet where I store the gardening tools and he saw these
two huge cases of fireworks standing there. The kid went nuts. He
wanted to open both boxes so he could see what all 159 rockets
looked like lined up next to each other. This kid has promise. I
told him: "Since mom only thinks I have a few of these things lying
around, maybe that wasn't such a good idea." He mulled that over
for a few seconds, then gave me a real big smile in agreement.

We pulled one of the rockets out of the box and re-locked the
closet door.

He and I both sat down on the driveway and proceeded to take it
apart. It was a standard issue big-ass Chinese sky rocket. I
bet they used these to kill people 500 years ago. As I sat
there taking layer after layer of paper off, his brain was
filling with the details of construction. Tissue, cardboard,
plastic, fuses...etc. Realizing that he was mentally storing the
design for some future project sorta made me shudder. All I was
thinking was the fact that this thing was probably put together
by a political prisoner in a hellhole somewhere who is probably
gonna get "executed" so they can sell his internal organs on the
transplant market.

Probably not too far from the facts, but I managed to do a bit of
explaining to him from the standpoint of aerospace engineering
regarding how the thing worked. Doug is probably the only 7th
grader in the U.S. who can now describe the principle of thrust
using a control volume model.

The rocket was pretty simple. It had a very large booster engine
topped with a warhead that contained the red sparkly things that
exploded. Removing the warhead was as simple as giving a quick
twist, and I assumed the neutered rocket would fly higher without
the payload. I was correct. Doug and I did a daylight 'stealth'
test and were able to add about 50% to the altitude attained the
previous night. We decided to modify four more rockets and put them
aside in the closet for easy access. When this was done, Doug had
a jar full of stuff that came out of the warheads including 12
fuses about 3 inches long each, some paper, 4 plastic nosecones
and a big handful of these little black balls about the size of
12-gauge buckshot that turned out to be the 'red sparkly popper
things'. It appeared that the outer layer was a simple gunpowder
coating designed to quickly burn off as red shower of sparks. I
surmised that the inner core had some kind of magnesium thermite
that gave off an intense white light and a loud bang. Pretty cool
if you ask me. Lots of energy packed into one teeny little ball.

I didn't want to see the popper thingies go to waste, so I told
Doug we were gonna put them in a hole in the ground and set them
off. He gave me another big smile.

It's amazing how kids think alike...even when separated by 25 years.

As I was digging a shallow hole with my hand, Doug asked if it
would be all right to put an army man next to these things so that
"When they go off, it would look like he was getting shot with a
machine gun."

Dang....exactly what I was thinking. I agreed and he ran off to
his room to dig something out of the mess. He returned in about
3 seconds, out of breath and holding a cheap plastic imitation of
Robert E. Lee on horseback and a Civil War cannon. I pointed out
that they didn't have true machine guns in the Civil War, but we
would overlook this for the purpose of the demonstration. He handed
me the action figure and I placed it and the cannon next to a rather
large pile of black beads from which a few of the fuses extended.

I figured that three inches of fuse would take 2 seconds to burn,
so I had at least that amount of time to stand up and take a
few steps back. I neglected to recount the night before -- when
the warhead ignited immediately upon reaching apogee. Tricky
Chinese. They had installed extremely fast-burning fuse in these
things and that fact totally escaped me.

I squatted next to Robert Lee and gave a short eulogy. Doug
laughed. I took the trusty Bic lighter and placed it next to the
fuse. One flick got the lighter going and this image is one I will
remember for a long time. My hand holding a lighter next to a pile
of explosives.

There is usually a short but noticeable mental pause that occurs
immediately before something bad or really stupid happens. It is
where that little voice in your head says: "You dumbass."

The fuse burn time was in the 1/1000ths of a second range. The pile
of little popper thingies immediately ignited into a tremendously
brilliant ball of fire. All I could think was "...my...my...my
eyes...!" Unfortunately, when they are viewed at ground level,
these little popper thingies become really big popper thingies
and have a tendency to jump up to 15 feet in every direction from
their point of ignition. I instantaneously became engulfed in a
ball of fire that sounded a lot like being in a half-done bag of
Orville Reddenbacher's popcorn.

And it was all over about as fast as I could can snap my finger.

After the smoke cleared, Doug started laughing his head off. That
meant I was still in one piece. Doug does not laugh at dismembered
limbs. He said I jumped about 10 feet, an action that I do not
remember. I checked my clothes for burn marks, and found none. He
checked my back to make sure it was not on fire. No combustion
there. The driveway was peppered with black holes where the concrete
had been scarred from these things.

A close one -- a real close one. My mind ran the tapes again
to re-hash what it had seen. All I remembered was being inside
something akin to a 30-foot-diameter flaming dandelion. Whew.

We examined Ol' Robert E. at ground-zero.

Instead of a machine-gun peppering, he got nuked. He and the
horse he rode in on, and his cannon too. One side was untouched,
but the other side was arc-welded. Real warfare. Doug examined it
real quiet-like and then started laughing again.

I assume he will remember the finer points of the lesson as he
grows older.

When I now speak of "almost being burned beyond recognition" he
will have a slightly better understanding of what I mean. I hope
that this vivid image tempers the knowledge he now has regarding
rocket construction. Oh, well. After all, if your dad isn't gonna
teach you how to get your butt blown off, who will? (Author Unknown)

[Majer]

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped
from wild coyotes in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain,
stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from
an aggressive rattlesnake"
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors-man!"







"No," I replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer."

[FSBARAK]

I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.




A fella goes to the doctor and says, "I got a mole on the end of my penis"

Doc says, "Drop your trousers and show me"

After a look the doctor says,

"I can get rid of the mole but I'm gonna have to report you to the animal welfare people."

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!", the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet.."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Johnny said: "Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.  Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! . . I'm coming!' " 

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I recon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room . . . . 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
 
Then the priest comes in. 
Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get  out. You're on my side."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The  parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.   
Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
 
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. 

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

[TAB]

 

[FSBARAK]

TEACHER:     Maria, go to the map and find     North America  .
MARIA:          Here  it  is.
TEACHER:    Correct.  Now class, who discovered     America ?
CLASS:          Maria.
____________________________________ 

TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on  the floor?
JOHN:           You told  me to do it without using  tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:   Glenn, how do you spell  'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:   No, that's wrong
GLENN:        Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.   

TEACHER:    Donald, what is the chemical formula for  water?
DONALD:       H I J K L M N  O
TEACHER:    What are you talking  about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
__________________________________

TEACHER:    Winnie, name one important thing we have  today
that we didn't have  ten years ago.
WINNIE:        Me!
__________________________________________   

TEACHER:    Glen, why do you always get so  dirty?
GLEN:           Well,  I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   
_______________________________________

TEACHER:      Millie, give me a sentence starting with  '  I.  '
MILLIE:          I   is..
TEACHER:      No, Millie..... Always say, 'I   am.'
MILLIE:          All right...   'I am the ninth letter of the  alphabet.'     
________________________________

TEACHER:     George Washington not only chopped down his  father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do  you know why his father didn't punish  him?
LOUIS:            Because  George still had the axe in his  hand....      


______________________________________   

TEACHER:     Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say  prayers before eating?
SIMON:          No sir, I don't  have to, my Mum is a good cook.   
______________________________

TEACHER:         Clyde , your composition on  'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy  his?
CLYDE   :          No, sir.. It's  the same dog.     

TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on  talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:      A  teacher

[Solus]

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them.  Then we noticed the fire had spread to the back of the house where our 2 yr old was sleeping.  That pig rushed into the house, up the stairs and made it back our dragging the baby to safety"

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them.  Then we noticed the fire had spread to the back of the house where our 2 yr old was sleeping.  That pig rushed into the house, up the stairs and made it back our dragging the baby to safety"

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."

With gratitude like that he must have been French.