Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

Sailor #1- I just bought five competition pigeons.

Sailor #2- Carrier pigeons?

Sailor #1 - No, land-based.

[tt11758]

Here in Texas , where I live, there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his right hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted:  "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht.  Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."  Which  means: "Glad to meet you!  Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in  it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and  just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan.  I can't understand you.  Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands.  You'll  get more."

[FSBARAK]

http://medias.tuxboard.com/flash/strip-tease-controle-parental.swf

When it stops, hit play

[Steve Cover]

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck -- pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit; there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

You forgot the picture....



Steve

[Majer]

[Sponsor]

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

Subject: Baseball

Barack and Michelle Obama are at the White Sox game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind
them, one of The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the
president.
Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and
shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the
owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and
drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing,
and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and
high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You
were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first
PITCH!"

[PegLeg45]

From Sheriff Jim Wilson..............................

THIS JUST IN: Last Sunday, in a TV interview, Hank Williams Jr. apologized for comparing Pres. Obama to Hitler.

And, on Monday, the surviving members of Hitler's family appeared on German TV and accepted the apology.

[tt11758]

You forgot the picture....



Steve

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!!! 

[tt11758]

An oldie, but a goodie.  (Kinda like Haz) 


Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner?  Here is a little test that will help you decide.


The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
Deserted street with your wife
And two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
Comes around the corner,
Locks eyes with you,
Screams obscenities,
Raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?



THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat's Answer:

 
 
· Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
· What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
· Does the man look poor or oppressed?
· Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
· Could we run away?
· What does my wife think?
· What about the kids?
· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
· What does the law say about this situation?
· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
· Should I call 9-1-1?
· Why is this street so deserted?
· We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
· This is all so confusing!

........... ......... ........ ......... ......... ......... ........ ........ .
Republican's Answer:

BANG!


........... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ .....

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.....
(Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[Majer]

You are carrying You're GranDaddys Colt
 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

Southerner's Answer:




BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG Click ,(Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG Click,(Sounds of reloading),Scan for threats

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Federal Hydra Shoks?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

FIFY