Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally
 out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene
 pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
 extraordinarily stupid way.
 
 
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a
 Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
 attempting to tip a free soda out.

 
This year's winner was a real rocket scientist....
 HONEST!
 
 
Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is
 a TRUE STORY.
 
 
And the nominees were:
 
Semifinalist #1
 
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
 cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
 mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction
 made him ill, and he rushed to vomit into the fireplace in
 his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
 house down, killing both him and his unfortunate sister.
 
Semifinalist #2
 
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
 altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
 decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost
 control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all
 found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their
 ankles (HARD to control light airplanes when everyone moves
 to one side).
 
Semifinalist #3
 
A 22-year-old Reston , VA  man was found dead after he
 tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot
 rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a
 fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
 wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to
 the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
 pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
 investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was
 found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had
 assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle
 and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the
 apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'
 
Semifinalist #4
 
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that
 he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the
 rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -- no doubt a future
 Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.
 
Semifinalist #5
 
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
 the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
 building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition;
 lights, power, etc.
 
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from
 the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building,
 they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.. To
 their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
 later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
 into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a
 cigarette lighter.
 
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the
 warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles
 away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
 was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
 suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as
 ''bright'' by his peers.
 
Now, to the winner of this year's Darwin Award
 
(awarded, as always, posthumously):
 
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering
 metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road
 at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of
 an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was
 unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally
 pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist ...
 had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take
 Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give
 heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for
 taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy
 Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight
 stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car,
 jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
 
The facts as best as could be determined are that the
 operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a
 distance of approximately 3..0 miles from the crash site.
 This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at
 that location.
 
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum
 thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
 well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for
 an additional 20-25 seconds.
 
The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced
 G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under
 full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the
 remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on
 the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds)
 before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes,
 blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
 surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles
 and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving
 a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the
 driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small
 fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the
 crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a
 piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering
 wheel.
 
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a
 ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his
 voyage was not actually on the ground.
 
 
You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
 
 
AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US TODAY -
 
 
AND THEY BREED & VOTE 

[tombogan03884]

You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
 
 
AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US TODAY -
 
 
AND THEY BREED & VOTE 

[/quote]

These don't.
Not any more.
The Dems are going to miss them.

[Ichiban]

Jeez!  That JATO bottle story is older than most board member here.

It's even been on Myth Busters.

Also see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JATO_Rocket_Car

[tombogan03884]

That doesn't mean that a dip in the road would not have launched the car.

[Solus]

I don't think it would be very likely that the car would go straight for very long.

Jet airplanes are designed for doing that and they still need to be "trimmed" to maintain a steady flight path.

I don't think the aerodynamics of a '67 Impala are quite up to that job.

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

I don't think it would be very likely that the car would go straight for very long.

Jet airplanes are designed for doing that and they still need to be "trimmed" to maintain a steady flight path.

I don't think the aerodynamics of a '67 Impala are quite up to that job.

Once it leaves the ground it's pure ballistics.

[Ichiban]

Once it leaves the ground it's pure ballistics.

As the F4 pilots used to say "with a big enough engine even a brick will fly."

[Solus]

As the F4 pilots used to say "with a big enough engine even a brick will fly."

True.  A rock will fly.   But not towards where it was pointed for very long.   That is why ballistic missiles look like, well, missiles rather than bricks.   

[lhprop1]

AND THEY BREED & VOTE 



These don't.
Not any more.
The Dems are going to miss them.

Being dead makes them more likely to vote democrat.

[Majer]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the chicken farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.. I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the chicken farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'