Classic joke thread...

[philw]

People can be so easy to read.
Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed.
Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.....

[tombogan03884]

People can be so easy to read.
Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed.
Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.....

I take it you would have shot Trayvon Martin .   
You should post that to the "riots" thread.  I'm sure Ulmas would appreciate your insight.   

[sledgemeister]

I take it you would have shot Trayvon Martin .   
You should post that to the "riots" thread.  I'm sure Ulmas would appreciate your insight.   

hmmmm probably wouldnt like my opinion much either. 

[tt11758]

 
Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.



The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.  She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and voted for Obama." 

 

 

[Majer]

Did you know
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[Sponsor]

[Majer]

A woman was standing in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of telling her that her breasts looked fine he instead gives her a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, you should take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them every day for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger?" she asked.

Without missing a beat he says I don't see why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?'

[Majer]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
_________________

[Majer]

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ." Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..! When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge. You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about. Now, aren't you stimulated?

[PegLeg45]

In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat.


 
Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of Education.

[ellis4538]

  If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
 
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.  The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"  A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"  The CEO said, "Wait right here."  He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.  Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
 


__._,_.___