Classic joke thread...

[philw]

[philw]

[sledgemeister]

Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8 Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.



explains Philw's MOOBS!!

[philw]

Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8 Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.



explains Philw's MOOBS!!

GAGF

[crusader rabbit]

Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's  considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the  bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are  included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the  funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that  you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the  vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your  fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A  centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a  taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table--no matter how good  his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned  regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck  keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.  However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.  

3. Dirt and  grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a  woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the  Family) - RULES FOR GUYS


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook,  especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're  interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the  bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is  expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday". If the latter  is the answer, it is YOUR responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the  lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from  talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear  you.

WEDDINGS


1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a  wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you  shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a  cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though  uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special  occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching  vehicles--Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When  approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the  right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4.  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her  to bring back beer. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral  procession.

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

For twyacht and deepwater..............................



An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.  He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.  He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'
 
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
 
'Three knots'? He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
 
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

[gunman42782]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."




The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"



And God saw it was good.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."



The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"


And God, again saw it was good.



On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."




The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"





And God agreed it was good.



On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."






But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"




"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."



So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



Life has now been explained to you.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

[kmitch200]

Women are so sweet....

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   

"Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

[jaybet]

True Story.
This past Mother's Day the family went out to a local favorite restaurant where we had a waiter that obviously had a former career and now was forced to wait tables for a living. He was fumbly and awkward, but pleasant. We had my 90 year old mother-in law and her son, my brother-in law, along on the trip.
My brother in law tends to get "happy" pretty quickly at such events, and started ribbing the waiter, who occasionally came back at him with decent retorts, while still maintaining respect for his customers. He was asking my MIL how she was enjoying Mother's Day, and she was saying she was out with her family and her son. My BIL says, "Yeah, I'm her son", blah blah blah, and the waiter leans over to my MIL and says, "Don't worry, dear, EVERYONE makes some mistakes in their life".  The whole table exploded and we declared the waiter the winner.

[philw]

A boy walks in on his folks havin sex and says "Dad, Whatcha doin?"
"We're making you a little brotther or sister" his dad replies...to which the little angel says....


"Do her doggie, I want a puppy"