Classic joke thread...

[Solus]

True Story.
This past Mother's Day the family went out to a local favorite restaurant where we had a waiter that obviously had a former career and now was forced to wait tables for a living. He was fumbly and awkward, but pleasant. We had my 90 year old mother-in law and her son, my brother-in law, along on the trip.
My brother in law tends to get "happy" pretty quickly at such events, and started ribbing the waiter, who occasionally came back at him with decent retorts, while still maintaining respect for his customers. He was asking my MIL how she was enjoying Mother's Day, and she was saying she was out with her family and her son. My BIL says, "Yeah, I'm her son", blah blah blah, and the waiter leans over to my MIL and says, "Don't worry, dear, EVERYONE makes some mistakes in their life".  The whole table exploded and we declared the waiter the winner.

That reminded me of a friend I had in high school.

He told me that every year on his birthday someone sent his mother a anonymous sympathy card.  He said it had been going on since he was in grade school.

I laughed and said it seemed like someone was playing a ongoing prank.  He was not at all amused by it and became pretty aggravated just thinking about it.

Seems like a joke to me...but I guess it might be some subtle revenge also  

[Majer]

    While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

    The lady immediately started taking off her clothes.....
     
    Doctor, stopping her said: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

[Hazcat]

    While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

    The lady immediately started taking off her clothes.....
     
    Doctor, stopping her said: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

LOL!

[Big Frank]

 

[Majer]

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye        Grandpa."

 

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?

 

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

 

The next day the grandmother died.

 

"Holy smokes" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

 

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock He figured        if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late.. What's the matter?"

 

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[Sponsor]

[sledgemeister]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

One week later ....  The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, I probably shouldn't have
started with the circumcision."

[tombogan03884]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric.  I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty train and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss.  No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:  “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

[ellis4538]

tom, LMFAO as long as it's Eric and not me!

Richard

[sledgemeister]

Pete & amy were walking home from the pub. Amy says "i need a piss" goes behind the bush & drops her knickers. Feeling horny, pete puts his hand through the bush & feel something dangling between amys legs, he jokes "have you changed your sex?" amy says "no, i've changed my mind, i'm having a shit!"

[gunman42782]

Mechanics in Louisville, Kentucky.  One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dick said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dick says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dick says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Tennessee '