Classic joke thread...

[Solus]

Gunman, You must be chastised,you got the proverb wrong.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will drink beer all day" 

The moral being,    "If you teach a man to fish, teach him how to home brew too."

[tombogan03884]

The moral being,    "If you teach a man to fish, teach him how to home brew too."

And play the banjo ?   

[tombogan03884]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled , "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied.............
"Get him Spike!"

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

http://www.wimp.com/russiaride/


 THIS IS A RUSSIAN AMUSEMENT? PARK RIDE. HOPE YOU HAVE A STRONG STOMACH.

[ellis4538]

Never quite saw it this way - but, it's an interesting assessment...

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles.

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

http://www.wimp.com/russiaride/


 THIS IS A RUSSIAN AMUSEMENT? PARK RIDE. HOPE YOU HAVE A STRONG STOMACH.

They had one of those at the Georgia Fair years ago. I convinced both my boys and a nephew to get on it. When they got off, two threw up and none would speak to me for several hours........and I couldn't stop laughing.   

[gunman42782]

A man is sitting in a Saloon in Lexington, Kentucky, and was far from home
when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is
a horse's ass."

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out.



He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says
"She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"

"Nope, replies the bartender, "Horse country."

[crusader rabbit]

Stolen from Neal Boortz...

Hoodies at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrive.  St. Peter looked out through the  Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
 
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.  God says to Peter: "How
many times do I have to tell you--you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven.  All are loved.  All are
brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.  He returns to God's chambers and
says,"Well, they're gone."

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

[gunman42782]

Little Johnny


The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.

[tombogan03884]