Classic joke thread...

[crusader rabbit]

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.

Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama
and I hope you'll vote for me this November."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

[Bic]

I asked my wife to hand me a newspaper.
She said "Don't be silly, use my iPad."
That spider never freaking knew what hit it

[tt11758]

I asked my wife to hand me a newspaper.
She said "Don't be silly, use my iPad."
That spider never freaking knew what hit it

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!!

[tt11758]

An 80-year-old Iowa Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for
a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How
do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Iowa and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the
old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight Feeding Cattle mending fences, Planting, Baling Hay, and when I'm not doing that,
I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is
well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Iowan. 'In fact he worked with and
hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a
while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a
Iowa Farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he
died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting
married!!...? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

[Steve Cover]

An 80-year-old Iowa Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for
a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How
do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Iowa and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the
old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight Feeding Cattle mending fences, Planting, Baling Hay, and when I'm not doing that,
I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is
well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Iowan. 'In fact he worked with and
hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a
while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a
Iowa Farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he
died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting
married!!...? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Sorry, but I have got to steal this one!!!

Steve

[Sponsor]

[gunman42782]

A guy asks a beautiful lady: "Can I buy you a drink?"
She says: "No Thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs!"
"Ohhh, do they swell??"
"No, they spread.."

[tt11758]

The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!!

Gone to stay with my Mother"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

*******************************************************************************************************

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.  The nurse starts with certain basics.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'135,' I say.  The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 4,' I say.  The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.  She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream.  'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

[tt11758]

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.

Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama
and I hope you'll vote for me this November."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

Thanks CR.  This one just went out to a LOT of those on my email list. 

[tombogan03884]

Thanks CR.  This one just went out to a LOT of those on my email list. 

The rest of us already saw it here.   

[jaybet]

The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England . He asked her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any
tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are
really intelligent?"


The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother
and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing
for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer
this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your
brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He
went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an
answer. Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night.
Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with
Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Sarah Palin!"


Obama got up, stomped
over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

And that is precisely what's going on at the White House.