Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Democrat you are holding underwater.

See it worked. You're smiling.

[BAC]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thought for a minute and said, "Did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"And," the lawyer continues, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely caught off guard, says, "Well, no. I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

The lawyer replies, "So then . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[kmitch200]

 

[Solus]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture on the ill effects that gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse, smoking, and staying out late has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving a lecture like that at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

[PegLeg45]

Adult Scrabble...


Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body, which is even more useful when erect.


P N E S I






People who thought SPINE might possibly become medical professionals, the rest will more than likely just become very entertaining forum friends!

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

    

A joke called irony?

[crusader rabbit]

   

A joke called irony?

This maybe shouldn't be in the "jokes" section.  But I guess we don't have a section for "So true it hurts."

[PegLeg45]

This maybe shouldn't be in the "jokes" section.  But I guess we don't have a section for "So true it hurts."

I figured it was one of those "gotta laugh to keep from crying" type things.   

[Big Frank]

DON'T MESS WITH OLD WOMEN
 

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE
STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND
CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH
A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
 
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying,
"Hey Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"
 
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I
NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
 
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID,
 "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED
SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
 
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -
STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST
BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED
HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
 
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED
SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY
THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND
VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED
AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING
HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
 
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS,
AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT?"
 
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MA'AM... BUT...
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

[jp1]

Joe was relaxing watching T.V. and having a few beers one Friday night.

His wife comes in sits down and says “what’s on the T.V.”?

Joe says DUST.

Rest of the night did not go well.