Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Three elderly ladies are going to their first Yankees game.
They sneak in a bottle of Jack Daniels. The game is teal exiting, and they are enjoying and mixing Jack with their sodas.
Soon they realize the bottle is almost empty and there are a lot of innings left.
Using the clues given, which inning is it and what is the status of the game ?

[tombogan03884]

Bottom of the 5th, and the bags are loaded.

[TAB]

a man walks into  a bar  and sees cruz and trump sitting in a both talking.  so he walks up to them and says "what are you talking about?"


"we are talking about what is to be done about the isis threat"  " one of us is going to start ww3"


" going to kill 250 million muslims and a hot blond with big tits"

the guy says "  what!??  why would you kill a blond with big tits"


trump says  " that's the 5th beer you owe me cruse, I told you know one would care about the muslims"

[tt11758]

I am sorry that I have not been consistently responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed  me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic  Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF).

For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.  Symptoms include, but may not be limited to: Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing the President pander to Muslim terrorists.  Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.  Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.

If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue,  please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure.

It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available in November of 2016.

And I stupidly thought it was due to aging!​
 

[ellis4538]

Where's the "LIKE" button?  Marshal, we need a "LIKE"  button!

Richard

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

 An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.  A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
 
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.  He yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell
phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
 
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few
questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"
 
He then began his series of questions:
 
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
 
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."
 
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're
traveling at 180 mph?"
 
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
 
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
 
Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

[ellis4538]

Too funny tt!  Marshal, I still need that like button!

Richard

[Bill Stryker]

Irish Viagra

> AN  IRISH WOMAN OF ADVANCED AGE VISITED HER PHYSICIAN
 TO ASK HIS  ADVICE ON REVIVING HER HUSBAND'S LIBIDO.

"WHAT ABOUT TRYING VIAGRA?" ASKED THE DOCTOR.

NOT A CHANCE" SHE REPLIED. "HE WON'T EVEN TAKE AN ASPIRIN".

"NOT A PROBLEM" SAID THE DOCTOR. "GIVE HIM AN IRISH VIAGRA".
 "WHAT IS IRISH VIAGRA?" SHE ASKED.
 "IT'S VIAGRA DISSOLVED IN A CUP OF COFFEE. HE WON'T EVEN TASTE IT.
 LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES" HE SAID.
 SHE CALLED THE DOCTOR THE NEXT DAY.

"HOW DID IT GO?" HE ASKED.
 "OH FAITH, BEJAYSUS AND BEGORRAH, DOCTOR, IT WAS HORRID. JUST
 TERRIBLE, I TELL YA!!."  "I'M BESIDE MESELF!"
 "REALLY?  WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED?"

"WELL,  I DID AS YOU ADVISED. THE VIAGRA IN HIS COFFEE TOOK EFFECT RIGHT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. HE  JUMPED STRAIGHT UP, WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE, A
TWINKLE IN HIS EYE AND HIS PANTS A-BULGING.

FIERCELY, WITH ONE SWOOP OF HIS ARM, HE SENT THE CUPS AND SAUCERS FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM, THEN HE RIPPED ME CLOTHES TO TATTERS AND PASSIONATELY TOOK ME THEN AND THERE ON TOP OF THE TABLE."

"TWAS A NIGHTMARE, I TELL YA, AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.

" WHY SO TERRIBLE?" ASKED THE DOCTOR. "WASN'T THE SEX GOOD?"
 "FREAKIN  JAYSUS, IT WAS THE BEST SEX I'VE HAD IN 25 YEARS, BUT SURE AS
 I'M SITTIN  HERE, DOCTOR, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW ME FACE IN STARBUCKS AGAIN."

 

[Bill Stryker]

Johnny

 Poor Johnny!!!
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do some thing about it.


The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you
should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him....
If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of
the gift or gifts he requests."



Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up.
When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree.
And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."



Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.
Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.



When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"


Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!

[Bill Stryker]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Hillary Clinton fans.
 
Not really knowing what a Hillary Clinton fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Hillary Clinton fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Hillary Clinton?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Hillary Clinton fan."