Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

That actually happened in Texas.  But if memory serves, Gov. Perry shot the coyote repeatedly with his .380 before it got to his dog.

[TAB]

[alfsauve]

stolen and reposted elsewhere

[crusader rabbit]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said,

"What's wrong with you, honey?  Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.  I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Now, that's a businessman!

[TAB]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?""We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass.""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said."But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree.""Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!""Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?Look at Congress -- over 300 Lawyers!!!

[Sponsor]

[Solus]

What is the difference in an accident scene where a lawyer is hit by a car and one where a dog is hit by a car?


There will be skid marks by the dog.

[gabithompson730]

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "f..k!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

[PegLeg45]

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "f..k!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

 

[Rastus]

That hurts....

[alfsauve]

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. They have done the rounds before, but they are still comedy gold!!

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy ." -Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx



“My, you’re ugly madam”, Winston Churchill to Lady Astor.

“And you Sir, are drunk…” Lady Astor in Response

“Yes but I will be sober in the morning!”, Churchill’s Reply.