Classic joke thread...

[MikeBjerum]

Another story from Red:

The secretary at the Vatican ran into the Pope's office and announced that he had good news and bad news.  The Pope asked what was the good news.  His secretary announced that Jesus and called and he was back.  The Pope excitedly asked what was the bad.  His secretary responded that Jesus had phoned from Salt Lake City.

[Ocin]

Bill can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bill asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bill says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

; The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bill the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.

Bill takes his wife out to dinner . While at dinner Bill starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool!! Can you do that again?'

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bill says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'

The doctor should have prescribed cigars instead 

[Bill Stryker]

 A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding

gown for her fourth wedding.

 

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

 

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

 

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more

appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

 

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite

appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

 

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

 

'Oh, he was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how
good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

 

[twyacht]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of North Carolina for
some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of an 8 foot black bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Conservative loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp; then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Conservative loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know nothin about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Chapel Hill and get another one?'

[MikeBjerum]

On my ride the other evening we stopped of for a "beverage" and I saw my next t-shirt being worn by a 250# bartender in need of a shave ... last week.  I'm looking for it in at least 2XL if not 3XL, but I'm sure those are the only sizes it comes in.

What did it say ?

In pretty pink script across his chest (I think he was at least a C cup) it said "I'm the hot chick you were hittin on last night"

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers.

I have seen them around, but never knew what they were good for.

You probably have one lying around somewhere.

Make sure you use it before it expires.



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[ericire12]

Come up with your own caption for this photo.

[Ocin]

Come up with your own caption for this photo.

Newest innovation in handgun technology, developed by the self defense department of the Brady Bunch: "protect yourself from home invasion with this state of the art weapon without risking harm to others"

[MinotBob]

Newest innovation in handgun technology, developed by the self defense department of the Brady Bunch: "protect yourself from home invasion with this state of the art weapon without risking harm to others"

Oldie but a goodie - Smithcowski & Wessonovich

[Hazcat]