Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1364533 times)

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #950 on: October 07, 2008, 03:40:12 PM »
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips (...more Emo Philips Quotes).

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Douglas Adams.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
WC Fields.

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
Robert Orben.

"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
Adrienne Gusoff.

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
Jeff Marder.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck."
Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."
Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

"Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing."
Harry Medved on Dean Martin

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
Joan Rivers

"He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire."
Truman Capote on Mick Jagger

"Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper."
Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando

"Spielberg isn't a filmmaker, he's a confectioner."
Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg

"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

"It's like kissing Hitler."
Tony Curtis talking about Marilyn Monroe
*********************************


Winston Churchill:

When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticise or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home.

"A sheep in sheep's clothing"
On Clement Atlee

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about"
On Clement Atlee

"An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out"
On Clement Atlee

"I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived"
On Stanley Baldwin

"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened"
On Stanley Baldwin

"He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe"
On Neville Chamberlain

Lady Astor to Churchill "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison"
Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"

Bessie Braddock to Churchill "Winston, your drunk!"
Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"

"What could you hope to achieve except to be sunk in a bigger and more expensive ship this time"
On Admiral Mountbatten

"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

brosometal

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #951 on: October 07, 2008, 05:31:10 PM »
What do Obama and Osama have in common?















They are both buddies with terrorists...   Wait that's just not funny...  True, but not funny.
The person who has nothing for which his is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
- J.S. Mill

deepwater

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #952 on: October 07, 2008, 08:38:32 PM »
HAPPY  WOMAN
 

A  woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches  her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous  you look?  What's the matter with you?'

The woman  continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think.  I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18  year-old. The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old  ass?

 

'Your name never came up,' she replied. ;D
YOU CAN TEACH A MONKEY HOW TO RIDE A BICYCLE: BUT YOU CAN'T TEACH HIM HOW TO FIX IT!!

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #953 on: October 07, 2008, 09:20:11 PM »
What do Obama and Osama have in common?















They are both buddies with terrorists...   Wait that's just not funny...  True, but not funny.


What's the difference between OBama and OSama? Nothing but the BS!
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #954 on: October 07, 2008, 09:27:55 PM »
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #955 on: Today at 10:48:17 PM »

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #955 on: October 07, 2008, 10:36:04 PM »
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To hell with McCain" T-Shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.  One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.  Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"That was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, how is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #956 on: October 08, 2008, 01:41:30 AM »
Nancy Astor: "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"


Winston Churchill: "And if I were your husband I would drink it."

My ex and I used to have similar conversations  ;D

MinotBob

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #957 on: October 08, 2008, 07:08:25 AM »
What do Obama and Osama have in common?















They are both buddies with terrorists...   Wait that's just not funny...  True, but not funny.

They both had friends that bombed the Pentagon.
Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8

Hazcat

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #958 on: October 08, 2008, 07:12:41 AM »
Also they both have or are teaching the youth of this country!

Now THERE is a scary thought!
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #959 on: October 08, 2008, 01:53:17 PM »
My ex and I used to have similar conversations  ;D

For you guys with 'problem wives' or ex's...this one's for you.... ;D ;D ;D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Og9SQ0W3yxE

"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

 

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