Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?
 
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
 
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
 
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
1st woman: So, what happened?
 
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
 
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
 
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
 

[MikeBjerum]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.  He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.  None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could
stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."  After complaining for
several minutes, he finally settled down,     crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for
this reading, I can't use an oral   thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.  After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her
way out. He cursed under his breath as he
heard people walking past his door, laughing.
 
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.  "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.  Angrily, the man              answered, "What's the matter, Doc?  Haven't  you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....
"Not with a carnation."

[MikeBjerum]

Not sure if this is a joke or not    but she sure brings some laughs:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-1sn7o0j8A&NR=1

[Majer]

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's nether region. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his member, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the Doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little SOB!."

[tombogan03884]

                          A 'Polish' man moved to the USA, and married an American girl..

                           Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well...

                           One day, he rushed into a lawyer's office, and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him...

                           The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
                        and asked him the following questions:
                         =================
                           "Have you any grounds?"

                           "Yes, an acre and half, and nice little home."

                           "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

                           "It made of concrete..".

                           "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"

                           "No, we have carport, and not need one."

                           "I mean...What are your relations like?"

                           "All my relations still in Poland..."

                           "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

                           "...We have hi-fidelity stereo, and good DVD player."

                           "Does your wife beat you up?"

                           "No, I always up before her."

                           "Is your wife a nagger?"

                           "No, she white..."

                           "Why do you want this divorce?"

                           "...She going to kill me."

                           "What makes you think that?"

                           "I got proof..."

                           "What kind of proof?"

                           "...She going to poison me. ...She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. ...I 'can' read, and it say, "Polish Remover"...

[Sponsor]

[MikeBjerum]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
 married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
 conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
 lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by
 engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the
end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on
was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.. He was so
aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When
 my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black
 mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on
 that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
 planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I
 took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped
 into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and
 six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
 When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat
 down and yelled "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

[Pathfinder]

Not sure if this is a joke or not    but she sure brings some laughs:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-1sn7o0j8A&NR=1

OMG, is that Kelly Pickler? Damn, she sings good, but talk about a sack of hammers!!!!

Well, if the tabloids are right, she was a beutician before Star Search or whatever show she was on.

Sack of freakin' hammers!     

Jeesh . . . .

[Fatman]

From Just for Laughs:
<span data-s9e-mediaembed="youtube" style="display:inline-block;width:100%;max-width:640px"><span style="display:block;overflow:hidden;position:relative;padding-bottom:56.25%"><iframe allowfullscreen="" scrolling="no" style="background:url(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/9Bf-7PxQ894/hqdefault.jpg) 50% 50% / cover;border:0;height:100%;left:0;position:absolute;width:100%" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/9Bf-7PxQ894"></iframe></span></span><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/9Bf-7PxQ894&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" class="bbc_link bbc_flash_disabled new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/9Bf-7PxQ894&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1</a>


<span data-s9e-mediaembed="youtube" style="display:inline-block;width:100%;max-width:640px"><span style="display:block;overflow:hidden;position:relative;padding-bottom:56.25%"><iframe allowfullscreen="" scrolling="no" style="background:url(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/cEubBFbsDMY/hqdefault.jpg) 50% 50% / cover;border:0;height:100%;left:0;position:absolute;width:100%" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/cEubBFbsDMY"></iframe></span></span><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/cEubBFbsDMY&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" class="bbc_link bbc_flash_disabled new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/cEubBFbsDMY&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1</a>





Best for last:


<span data-s9e-mediaembed="youtube" style="display:inline-block;width:100%;max-width:640px"><span style="display:block;overflow:hidden;position:relative;padding-bottom:56.25%"><iframe allowfullscreen="" scrolling="no" style="background:url(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/kIReX7aRBec/hqdefault.jpg) 50% 50% / cover;border:0;height:100%;left:0;position:absolute;width:100%" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/kIReX7aRBec"></iframe></span></span><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/kIReX7aRBec&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" class="bbc_link bbc_flash_disabled new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/kIReX7aRBec&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1</a>

[Bill Stryker]

With the problems in the financial sector in the UK and USA , uncertainty has now hit Japan .

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
 

[ellis4538]

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."