Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Looks like it is time for a new rule on forum members meeting face to face and the amount of alcohol present at the time 

Yes, New rule, It's OK to leave the guns out but the keyboard should be locked up   

[PegLeg45]

Yes, New rule, It's OK to leave the guns out but the keyboard should be locked up   

He'd probably slur his typing anyway and we couldn't read or understand it.   

[long762range]

Dear Abby ,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me
from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies
everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.

It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job eight
years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he
does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter
finished college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints
that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't
need him anymore.

You're a United States Senator from New York. Act
like it!

[Hazcat]

Well, I survived the Hazarita overload. (I think )

New recipe......

6 (or 7) ozs of To-kill-ya
3 ozs of frozen lime juice (less acid that way)
2 ozs of white wine (to reduce sweetness)
Lots of ice and blend

THEN add the 6 ozs of beer and give a quick blend (makes it less foamy this way)

Imbibe and and FORGET about being able to do anything else! 

[Hazcat]

Looks like it is time for a new rule on forum members meeting face to face and the amount of alcohol present at the time 

Yes, new rule;

Take number of members present then multiply by two to get requisite gallons of alcohol (preferably Hazaritas) needed. 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'...

[TAB]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'...

So you were that doctor...i'm really sorry about counting so slowly.     

[Teresa Heilevang]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
   
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
   
'I'm 96' said the old man.

I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far
enough so that I don't piss on my slippers.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. '

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked  "What are you sellin' here?"

 One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - Don't mess with them.

[MikeBjerum]

THE VIBRATOR

 As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
 door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
 within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
 with a vibrator.
 
 Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
 doing?'
 
 The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
 old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
 I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
 leave me alone.'
 
 The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
 coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
 door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
 daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
 
 To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
 said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
 thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
 husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
 
 A couple days later, the wife came home from a
 shopping trip,
 placed the groceries on the kitchen
 counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
 of all places, the living room. She entered that
 area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
 downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
 
 The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
 like crazy.
 
 The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
 
 The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
 son-in-law