Classic joke thread...

[Big Frank]

Pray for me Peg; I did not cry, I did not laugh.  That's because I have been trained by the CIA (BTW, you did not hear that from me) not to laugh.  I once watched a hundred hours of the 3 Stooges and every time I laughed, chuckled, or even cracked a smile, someone would poke me in the balls with a cattle prod.

Is your story funny?  Yes.  But I did not laugh!

Col. Flagg, US Army

That reminds me of the many ways dear old dad used to torture us boys.

[ellis4538]

Did you know the Rudolph the red nosed raindeer has a twin...Randolph the Brown nosed raindeer.  He can run as fast but he can't stop as quick!!!!!

Richard

[tombogan03884]

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

 

 

 

 

Leroy, The Redneck Reindeer

Well, you've all heard about Rudolph and his nose,
But I'll tell you a Christmas tale that never has been told.
Well, you may think you've heard it all but you ain't heard yet.
About that crazy Christmas that the North pole can't forget.

Rudolph was under the weather, he had to call in sick.
So he got on the horn to his cousin Leroy, who lived out in the sticks.
He said: "Santa's really counting on me and I hate to pass the buck."
Leroy said "Hey I'm on my way," and he jumped in his pick-up truck.

When Leroy got to the North Pole all the reindeer snickered and laughed.
They'd never seen a deer in overalls and a John Deere Tractor hat.
But Santa stepped in and said: "Just calm down cause we've all got a job to do.
"And like it or not, Leroy's in charge, and he's gonna be leading you."

And it was Leroy, the red neck reindeer,
Hooked to the front of the sleigh.
Delivering toys to all the good ole boys and girls along the way.
He's just a down home party animal, two-stepping across the sky.
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.

Before that night was over, Leroy had changed their tune.
He had them scootin' a hoof on every single roof, by the light of a neon moon.
Santa wrapped his bag with a Dixie flag, he was having the time of his life.
And you can hear him call Merry Christmas y'all, and to all of y'all a good night.

And it was Leroy, the red neck reindeer,
Hooked to the front of the sleigh.
Delivering toys to all the good ole boys and girls along the way.
He's just a down home party animal, two-stepping across the sky.
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.

He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.

*****************

Merry Christmas You all

[PegLeg45]

That reminds me of the many ways dear old dad used to torture us boys.

You DO look tortured.     

[PegLeg45]

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... barefoot...BOTH ways..Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster and faster until you di ed! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was On!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!

And only rich people had microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980!

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.' 

 

 

She said,  'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'

[Bill Stryker]

     The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
 
      She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them.  Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.
 
      What a gal!  That Sarah is such a good sport and thinks of everything.
 

[tombogan03884]

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... barefoot...BOTH ways..Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster and faster until you di ed! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was On!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!

And only rich people had microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980!

Remember the "Amana Radar Range" ? First color TV I watched was Christmas time, 1969, guy up the street worked for the Railroad and stole one from a freight car, another freight car was full of electric knives, guess what everyone in the neighbor hood got for Christmas  My Dad hated it, said he might as well use a hedge trimmer, judging by the turkey that year he was right   all the kids at school would talk about the episode of the Monkee's or Partridge Family the next day because we all got the same 3 channels.

By the way, when I walked to school it really WAS uphill both ways, but only half way 

[philw]

The best ‘Little Johnny’ in a while... You can't beat a Johnny...
 
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
 
'Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off' said the teacher.
 
'Who is credited with writing the phrase 'To be or not to be, That is the question,' asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard,' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.
 
The next quote is, 'I had a dream!
' Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out 'I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!'
'Well done!' said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off' 'No thanka you miss. I am of
Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,'  said little Fri Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher.
 
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, 'F#^*ing > Asians!'
'Who said that?' yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
'Pauline Hanson!' yelled little Johnny.  'See ya Tuesday!!!!

[philw]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women
Have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
To tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
Talks, the dumber he gets.