Classic joke thread...

[philw]

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar.  A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, 'I'm planning WW III. '
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

 

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says ,

'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims!



Aint that the truth...

[philw]

The Man Rules 
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down   

  Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules '
From the female side. 

Now here are the rules from the male side.   


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE! 

1..   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the OTHER ONE!

 

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did  NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY!!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Shooting, Hunting football, cricket or motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - 

 to give them a bigger laugh.

[Hazcat]

PERFECT!

[ellis4538]

My wife will never go for any of those!

Richard

[bjc1369]

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Shooting, Hunting football, cricket or motor sports

Cricket??? Why would a woman possibly want to talk about noisy insects???

[Sponsor]

[shooter32]

Phil, your on a roll mate

[PegLeg45]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,There is something SO very wrong with you.

Have a great day..... and woo woo!!! 

 

[shooter32]

PegLeg, you are killing me. lol
heard that one before and how true is it

[philw]

Cricket??? Why would a woman possibly want to talk about noisy insects???

it is our  Australian National Sport

[philw]

The squirrel and the grasshopper


> >>>> REST OF THE WORLD VERSION*
> >>>>
> >>>> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
> >>>> building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the
> >>>> winter.
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
> >>>> the summer away.
> >>>>
> >>>> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
> >>>> grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
> >>>>
> >>>> THE END*
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION*
> >>>>
> >>>> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
> >>>> building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
> >>>> the summer away.
> >>>>
> >>>> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
> >>>>
> >>>> A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
> >>>> conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
> >>>> be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
> >>>> grasshopper, are cold and starving.
> >>>>
> >>>> The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
> >>>> grasshopper with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
> >>>> warm home with a table laden with food.
> >>>>
> >>>> The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that
> >>>> in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
> >>>> suffer so while others have plenty.
> >>>>
> >>>> The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
> >>>> Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the
> >>>> squirrel's house.
> >>>>
> >>>> The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with
> >>>> breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall
> >>>> Overcome'.
> >>>>
> >>>> Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the
> >>>> squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
> >>>> immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share'
> >>>> and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
> >>>>
> >>>> In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
> >>>> Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act,
> >>>> retrospective to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes
> >>>> are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire
> >>>> grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and
> >>>> an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
> >>>> grasshopper did not want to work.
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house,
> >>>> financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to
> >>>> ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and
> >>>> redistributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the
> >>>> grasshopper.
> >>>>
> >>>> Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
> >>>> imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
> >>>> building a new home.
> >>>>
> >>>> The local authority takes over his old home and uses it as a
> >>>> temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to
> >>>> get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with
> >>>> mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of
> >>>> Australians' apparent love of dogs.
> >>>>
> >>>> The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
> >>>> and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the
> >>>> police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
> >>>>
> >>>> Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were
> >>>> abandoned because it was feared they would face death at the hands of
> >>>> the mice.
> >>>>
> >>>> The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit
> >>>> cards.
> >>>>
> >>>> A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of
> >>>> the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the
> >>>> Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he
> >>>> hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.
> >>>>
> >>>> Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug
> >>>> 'Illness'.
> >>>>
> >>>> The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment
> >>>> since arrival in Australia .
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
> >>>> burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
> >>>> released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
> >>>> He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and
> >>>> supervise him.
> >>>>
> >>>> Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
> >>>>
> >>>> A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and
> >>>> state the obvious, is set up.
> >>>>
> >>>> Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
> >>>> grasshoppers.
> >>>>
> >>>> Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
> >>>>
> >>>> The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
> >>>> Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
> >>>> government for failing to befriend the cats.
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.
> >>>>
> >>>> The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of
> >>>> government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
> >>>> inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
> >>>>
> >>>> They call for the resignation of a minister.
> >>>>
> >>>> The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed
> >>>> when the government failed to inform them there were mice
> >>>> in Australia .
> >>>>
> >>>> The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
> >>>> the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
> >>>> their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
> >>>> for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work
> >>>> beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
> >>>>
> >>>> THE END*
> >>>> --