Classic joke thread...

[Big Frank]

Christmas Song,

Down load here

hehe

I saw mommy ***ing Santa Claus.   

[santahog]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'   

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.   

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[Big Frank]

    The wife came home early and found her husband in their
bedroom making  love  to a very attractive young woman and was
somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do
this to me --  a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving
you. I want a divorce straight away !' And the husband replied 'Hang on just
a minute love, so at least I can  tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say  to
me!! And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home and this young lady here  asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.  I
noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She  told
me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her
home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing
devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that
you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you  don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use
just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the
same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with
tears in her eyes and said,  'Please do you have anything else that your
wife doesn't use?'

[Big Frank]

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN...

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and

a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling

and laughing away,

While flying around

in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer

to pull him along, 

Then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong! 


Merry Christmas and a Happy 2OO9.

[cookie62]

A man is trapped in his house during a flood
Someone comes along with a 4 wheel drive pulls up to save him, He replies "no thank you, GOD will save me"

The water gets higher and a boat comes along to save him, But again he replies "no thank you, GOD will save me"

The water keeps rising until he is on the roof and a helicopter drops a ladder to him. But again he replies "no thank you, GOD will save me"

The man drowns. When he gets to Heaven he asks GOD "Why did you not save me?
GOD answers "I sent a truck, a boat, and a helicopter!"

[Sponsor]

[Big Frank]

The kid has good taste.   

[ellis4538]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
 
 

[shooter32]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
 
 

I'm glad they do

[Bill Stryker]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then t he numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'

[tt11758]

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The location of the dirtbag.