Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

    These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
     
    ADULT:
    A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
     

    BEAUTY PARLOR:
    A place where women curl up and dye.


    CANNIBAL:
    Someone who is fed up with people.


    CHICKENS:
    The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


    COMMITTEE:
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


    DUST:
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.


    EGOTIST:
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


    HANDKERCHIEF:
    Cold Storage.


    INFLATION:
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


    MOSQUITO:
    An insect that makes you like flies better.


    RAISIN:
    Grape with a sunburn.


    SECRET:
    Something you tell to one person at a time.


    SKELETON:
    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off..


    TOOTH ACHE:

    The pain that drives you to extraction.



    TOMORROW:
    One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


    YAWN:
    An honest opinion openly expressed.
       

    And MY Personal Favorite!!
     

    WRINKLES:
    Something other people have, similar to my character lines.




This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.

A Russian arrives in  New York City  as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and

free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful  America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says....'Probably at work!'

 

[Pathfinder]

Not really funny, it was -14 this morning when I went out to get the paper.

Poor baby.

It was -29, -48 wind chill here Thursday morning. And we were one of the warm spots of the state - Minot was colder, -60 wind chills.

[Bill Stryker]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a
nice morning on the marsh when

he decided to take a leak....



He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a

gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting

him in the genitals.



Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached

by his doctor.



"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good

news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your

groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to

remove all of the buckshot."



"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.



"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot

damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."



"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"



"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player inthe local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your
fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
 

[Majer]

Got this from a friend in Texas

From a Proud Texan!!!!

We Texans love y'all, but we have decided to take action since Obama will soon be president. We'll miss you, too.

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing all the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are taking matters into our hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Swear in Barak Hussein Obama President of the United States . (All 49 states.)

#2: George W. Bush comes home and becomes the President of the Republic Of Texas .



So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

We are already set!

1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . (We will control the space industry.)

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .

3. Defense Industry. (We have over 65% of it) The term " Don't mess with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states?  Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. Obama will figure a way to keep them warm. ...

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT Texas, A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT, Texas Women 's University. Ivy grows better in the south anyway...

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (We can just open the border when we need some more.)

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard . We don' t have an army but since every body down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24
hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don' t need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic Of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, you will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won' t have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won' t have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Al Gore has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.


Signed,

The People of Texas

[m25operator]

 
 
 

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men  playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around  in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

    'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

    He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position , still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

    She gently took  his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands  inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments  and asked 'How does that feel?'

    He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'


 

[MikeBjerum]

Not really funny, it was -14 this morning when I went out to get the paper.

Friday was our third morning in a row of getting up in sub minus twenty mornings.

[tombogan03884]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

[tombogan03884]

Friday was our third morning in a row of getting up in sub minus twenty mornings.

Couldn't tell you about the rest of the week, I was only up that early because I could not sleep when I gothome from work at 1:30 am. I usually get up at the crack of noon. 
It snowed today and got all the way up to 15

[Majer]

Letter from the Boss,

 As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people,
 I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next
 President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

 To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients
 will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since
 we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our
 economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees
 instead. This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are
 family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go.

 So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot
 and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and
 have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I
 can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These
 folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

 If you have a better idea, let me know.
 Sincerely,

The Boss