Classic joke thread...

[Big Frank]

No one as Irish as Barack O'Bama

song> http://www.oneeyedparrot.org/obama.html

[Bill Stryker]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
 
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
 
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
 
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
 
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
 
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
 
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
 
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
 
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
 
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
 
Straps fall to show a little more skin.
 
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
 
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
 
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
 
'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.' 
 
 
 

[PegLeg45]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.

Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 

[MikeBjerum]

What really caused the Hudson River airliner crash?

[ellis4538]

That headache joke reminded me of another...

I guy came home from a night out with the guys to find his wife already in bed sleeping.  As he came out of the bathroom he noticed she was sleeping with her mouth open (I WONDER WHAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK IF I STOPPED HERE?).  Getting an idea, he quickly grabs a couple aspirin out of the medicine cabinet and pops them in her mouth.  He waits patiently as they disolve.  The bad taste wakes her up and she spits, trying to get the bad taste out of her mouth.  Seeing him standing there she asks..."What is that taste?"  He replies..."aspirin".  To which she answeres, "I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"  Grinning he answrers, "GOOOOOD!"

[Sponsor]

[TAB]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
__________________

[Timothy]

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.

After analyzing expenses and revenues, they realize that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off.

Finally, one manager decides that they will lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up  to get some water.

The managers get up to break the bad news to Jane.

"Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either have to lay you or Jack off..."

"Well" she says, "could ya jack off, I feel like s#@t!

[MikeBjerum]

After their 11th child, a South Carolina couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and 
his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a 
vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in South Carolina ) light it, put it in a 
beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The South Carolinan said to the doctor, 'I may not be the 
smartest tool
in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer 
can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer 
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana ,
Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , West Virginia and  Washington , DC

[PegLeg45]

PLEASE TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT SPELLING IS IMPORTANT, EVEN FOR THIRD GRADERS!

[MikeBjerum]

As Larry would say "I don't care who you are, that is funny!"