Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

 SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

 SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'

 THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.

 
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

 THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

 FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.  SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

 BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
 
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN,  YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

[Teresa Heilevang]

Not a joke.. but didn't know where else to post it.....................

I'm confused  .................
How can 2 million blacks get into Washington DC in sub zero temps in 1 day when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans at 85 degrees with four days notice?

 

[MikeBjerum]

Not a joke.. but didn't know where else to post it.....................

I'm confused  .................
How can 2 million blacks get into Washington DC in sub zero temps in 1 day when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans at 85 degrees with four days notice?

It's all about being first in line where the handouts are going to be ... Now that is motivation 

*** Works for both cases

[tombogan03884]

*** EVERYONE ***

~~ JUST RELAX ~~

When was the last

time you saw a

black guy keep a job for

four years?

 

[cookie62]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,


Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'


You must now refer to them as


APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

 


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

 


2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is


'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

 


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

 


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a


'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

 


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes


' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

 


6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a


' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

 


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 


1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

 


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


' OVERL Y CAUCASIAN.'

 


3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

 


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

 


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)

 


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

[Sponsor]

[MikeBjerum]

OK, I'll admit to being five of the six, and I'm sure you can find a group anywhere to throw in the sixth.  Based on that, is there a simple term that would cover it all 

[Bill Stryker]

 A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

     CHEESEBURGER:  $1.50

     CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

     HAND  JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of  farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she smiles and purrs, 'I sure am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.....'

 

[ericire12]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

     CHEESEBURGER:  $1.50

     CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

     HAND  JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of  farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she smiles and purrs, 'I sure am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.....'

 

Been posted before

[PegLeg45]

A SHORT LOVE STORY    
 
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........   'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
 
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f***ing blanket.'
 

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

[PegLeg45]

Lost My Job @ Wal-Mart:

I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated, part time job after retiring from my "day job". 

Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive.

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart Greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly said "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there; are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...

I'm still job-hunting...