Classic joke thread...

[ericire12]

on the new 1040 SUPER EZ form, the part circled in red is the only thing on the form

[MikeBjerum]

I wish I had the option to mark a box.  All I got was a request for a blank check so they could make arrangements with my bank to take what they want when they want 

[ellis4538]

m58, that post is in the wrong thread.....IT IS NO JOKE!

Richard

[Teresa Heilevang]

After being married 44 years I took a careful look
 at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago
 we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got
to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old.
 

 "Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a
 nice bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping
 with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're
 not holding up your end of things."
 

 My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
 to go out and find a hot 25 year old gal and she would
 make sure that I am once again living in a cheap apartment,
 driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
 watching a 10-inch black & white TV.
 

 Aren't older women great?  They really know
 how to solve your midlife crisis.

[1Buckshot]

So what happend to the first wife? If I am right, 44 and 25 adds up to 69. 

[Sponsor]

[jaybet]

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
 
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
 
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
 
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
 
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
 
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Management

PS
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Do you know why it's so cold??

Because almost every White person for 200+ years said.

" It will be a cold day in Hell, before a black man becomes President."

Enjoy the weather.

[philw]

Do you know why it's so cold??

Because almost every White person for 200+ years said.

" It will be a cold day in Hell, before a black man becomes President."

Enjoy the weather.

how dose that work for over here


it has been  45+    (115f for those playing at home in the USA)   

[Bill Stryker]

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce.

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half, a nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It is made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a grudge?
No, we have a carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says 'Polish Remover'.
 

[PegLeg45]

Carlos and Jose are both beggars.

They beg in high-rent areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day.

He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support"

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

Jose said: It reads, "I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico."