Classic joke thread...

[MikeBjerum]

Let Him Dig!


                  An old man and woman were married for many years, even
 though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and
 yelling could be heard deep into the night.


        The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up
 and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your
life!'


        Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black
 magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their
 neighborhood.


       The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To
 everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.


       His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the
 burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there
 was no tomorrow.


        Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't
 you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the
 grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'


      The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had
 him buried upside down.


      Damn women they think of everything!!!!

[PegLeg45]

You need a trowel to spread this?

[PegLeg45]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. 

Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. 

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he gets home and talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[Bill Stryker]

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.   "Twenty dollars' she whispers.  He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it s only twenty bucks.

 

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer.  'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making luff to my vife ,' Ole answers indignantly.

 

'Oh, I'm sorry.' says the cop. 'I didn't know.'

'Vell,' says Ole, 'I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face.'

[MikeBjerum]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
 
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and  asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of  our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Georgia.
Upon entering a church in Alma, Georgia which is only about 30 miles from Waycross....behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents'.

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden Telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the South now. You're in God's Country....It's a local call.'




American by Birth - A Southerner by the Grace of God...............Y'all have a nice day now, ya he-ah.

 

[tt11758]

Post Office Interview
 
A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything? He replied, 'Yes - caffeine.' 'Have you ever been in the military service?' 'Yes,' he replied. 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asked,'Are you disabled in any way?' The guy said, Yes....an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles. The interviewer grimaced and then said,'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day. The guy was puzzled and asks, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?  This is a government job, the interviewer said. For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

[tt11758]

A couple was sitting in a restaurant enjoying a quiet evening when the husband heard a man at the table behind him complain about trying to chew his steak.  When he inquired the man said his new dentures "just didn't fit well."  The gentleman reached in his pocket and produced a set of teeth and said "try these."  The man took a bite and replied "they're a little snug."  The gentleman reached in another pocket and offered "how about these?"  After a bite the man said "better, but a little loose."  The gentleman reached in his breast pocket and produced yet another set.  After the man had eaten half his steak the gentleman inquired as to how they worked.  The man grinned and said "GREAT!"  "By the way, are you a dentist?"  "No" replied the gentleman turning back to his food and wife "a funeral director."

Remind me to not let you fit me with dentures!! 

[MikeBjerum]

Remind me to not let you fit me with dentures!! 

I also stock eye glasses, watches and hearing aids ... looking for any deals?

[tt11758]

I also stock eye glasses, watches and hearing aids ... looking for any deals?

Got any gold cufflinks?