Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an
assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a
story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one
by one began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk
and pennies saved.  But then the  teacher realized,
much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt.
  She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival  knife.........

She drank the whiskey on the way down so
the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute
landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran
out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the
blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with
her bare hands."

"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher. "What kind
of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

 

 

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she is drinking."

[Bill Stryker]

Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They
head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem der little budgies in dat cage up
dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the
birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of
some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and
says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Der's MOR!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."

BUT VAIT!!! Der's MORE , you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which
he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie
yumping, den Knute parrotshooting, and now Lars, hengliding ..."



Dat's all. Der ain't no mor!

 

[Bill Stryker]

The Pregnant Blonde.
    . . .

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I  didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along
with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew
she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'
I asked, 'What do you mean there's more?'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew.

She said. . . (You're going to love this!)
 
'Well, that was the easy part. I went
to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in
a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'
   

[philw]

Chilli Cookoff

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Hazcat]

NO ONE puts beans in true chili.  After all is is known as Texas MEAT stew not Texas BEAN stew!

Meat, tomato, peppers, garlic, other spices to taste, (maybe mushrooms).  NO BEANS!

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

NO ONE puts beans in true chili.  After all is is known as Texas MEAT stew not Texas BEAN stew!

Meat, tomato, peppers, garlic, other spices to taste, (maybe mushrooms).  NO BEANS!

THen there's Jeff Foxworthy's recipe for chili:

Take all the hot shit you can find, put it in a pot and cook it for a long damn time.

[tumblebug]

 Any way you like it.

[PegLeg45]

NO ONE puts beans in true chili.  After all is is known as Texas MEAT stew not Texas BEAN stew!

Meat, tomato, peppers, garlic, other spices to taste, (maybe mushrooms).  NO BEANS!

Blaspemy...............chili must have beans.........in order to provide after dinner entertainment.   

[Bill Stryker]

Old Guys Don't Care

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.    For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.  She's beautiful, sexy and unbelievably big breasted. She told me that I have to stop masturbating.  When I asked her why, she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'

 

[ellis4538]

Bad day at Hallmark
 
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........ 
 
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

 

 Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me. 

   

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?' 

 

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband. 

 
 

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby? 

 
 

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.

 
 

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you. 


 

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me. 

 

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

   

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

 


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike! 

 
   

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

 
 

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?

 
 

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

 

 

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was? 

 
 
 

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

 
 

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay