Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1364468 times)

Hazcat

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1660 on: March 26, 2009, 08:12:26 PM »
QUIT WHINING AND DEAL!



;D
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

ellis4538

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1661 on: March 27, 2009, 06:42:14 AM »
Can't, wife ate the chips.  Guess a good retirement "wasn't in the cards!"

Richard
Used to be "The only thing to FEAR was FEAR ITSELF", nowadays "The only thing to FEAR is GETTING CAUGHT!"

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1662 on: March 27, 2009, 11:29:56 AM »
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised...
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.

 :o

     
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

long762range

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1663 on: March 27, 2009, 01:27:10 PM »
Sven and Ollie had been buddies for many years and one day when they reported for work, they discovered to their distress that their factory was closing on that next Friday.

On Monday we find them both standing in line at the unemployment office, signing up for unemployment payments.

The unemployment clerk said to Sven, "What job did you have?"

Sven said, "I vas a panty sewer. I sewed the elastic on the panties." 
Kinks T-Shirts

"OK," says, the clerk. "I'll set you up for a payment of two hundred dollars per week."

Then she turns to Ollie and says, "And, what job did you have?"

Ollie says, "I vas a diesel fitter."

"Ok," says the clerk, "I'll set you up for a payment of four hundred dollars a week."

"Four Hundred Dollars," yells Sven. "How come he gets four hundred dollars and I only got two hundred dollars?"

"Well," said the clerk, "he is a diesel fitter, that's a much more mechanical job, harder work handling piping and welding and all. So, he gets more money."

"Vhat do you mean," says Sven. " I sew the elastic on the panties, and pulls 'em over his head and says, 'Dese'll fit 'er'." 
"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous.  If I have a gun, what in the hell do I have to be paranoid for."

Badgersmilk

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1665 on: Today at 07:50:49 PM »

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1665 on: March 27, 2009, 09:14:22 PM »
DOCTOR TOM’S CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

“My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore.”

If that doesn’t scare the $hit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

Caution:   Potential side effects may include immediate nausea and or vomiting.   

Dr. Tom

Big Frank

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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

long762range

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1667 on: March 27, 2009, 09:46:04 PM »
"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous.  If I have a gun, what in the hell do I have to be paranoid for."

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1668 on: March 28, 2009, 02:05:14 PM »
And my wife sent this to me....

"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

Badgersmilk

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1669 on: March 28, 2009, 04:54:45 PM »

 

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