a variety of humour designed to offend some of the pantywaists who seem to enjoy complaining. I hope that i have offended most of the religious and ethnic groups in the country
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.... Just before
takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine
kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in
the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in
it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks
good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch
it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on;
this fighting between our nations, this hatred, this animosity, this
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?
- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Subject: You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
Hwy I-90 is to be closed for the week in south dakota to allow for the passage of a 200 ton lump of coal to be transferred to mount rushmore so that obama might be case among the other presidents
Let's Offend Everybody!
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar....
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong ..
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins ....'once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States .
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most men think.
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits.
She’s desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray… ‘God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery.’
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays… ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.’
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays… ‘My God,20why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house and my car.
I don’t often ask You for help and I’ve always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.’
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself….
‘Sweetheart, work with Me on this one …. Buy a ticket!
The World's Shortest Books
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________ ________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
________________________ _______________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________ ________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
________________________ ___________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
________________________ ___________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
________________________ ____________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
________________________ _________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
________________________ _______________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
________________________ ___________
A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian
________________________ __________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen deGeneres & Rosie O'Donnel
________________________ ____________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
________________________ __________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
________________________ _______________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
________________________ _________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
________________________ ___________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet.
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
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