Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Timing Is Everything!!!



Dear Wife:


I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or  you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.


It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.


After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.


I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.
 

[PegLeg45]

Subject: work communication
 
> Cussing at Work
>
> Dear Employees:
>
> It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
>Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
>We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
>Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
>
> Number 1
>TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
> INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
>
> Number 2
> TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
> INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
>
> Number 3
> TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
> INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
>
> Number 4
> TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
> INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
>
> Number 5
> TRY SAYING: Really?
> INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
>
> Number 6
> TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
> INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
>
> Number 7
> TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
> INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
>
> Number 8
> TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
> INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
>
> Number 9
> TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
> INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
>
> Number 10
> TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
> INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
>
> Number 11
> TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
> INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
>
> Number 12
> TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
> INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
>
> Number 13
> TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
> INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
>
> Number 14
> TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
> INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
>
> Number 15
> TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
> INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
>
> Number 16
> TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
> INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
>
> Number 17
> TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
> INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
>
> Number 18
> TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
> INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck..
>
> Thank You,
> Human Resources

[PegLeg45]

an oldie but a goodie.......

[Hazcat]

an oldie but a goodie.......

Ya might as well start heading for the corner.  Pick up some beer on the way, we're getting low!   

[PegLeg45]

How 'bout chips and salsa?           

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

How 'bout chips and salsa?          

tt brought them so we're OK. 

[Timothy]

tt brought them so we're OK. 

The cheez whiz is empty.....I used silly string and it tasted foul.....

[PegLeg45]

The cheez whiz is empty.....I used silly string and it tasted foul.....

Pink or blue?

[MikeBjerum]

Ya might as well start heading for the corner.  Pick up some beer on the way, we're getting low!   

And do it fast, because if she even sense that one your dead where you stand 

I'm gettin out-a-here so I don't get any on me 

[Pathfinder]

OK, so I know I'm unemployed, but what the h*&$ are you people doing posting all day. Get back to work!