Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Q:  What time do senior citizens go to bed?

A:  Two hours after they fall asleep.

[PegLeg45]

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign, 'Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world'.
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes back and they ask her, Well how'd you do?
"First Place" said Snow White.
They continued walking and they see another sign, "Contest for the strongest man in the world".
"I'm entering, said Superman.
After half an? hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First place, answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue to walk when they see a sign, 'Contest for the biggest Liar in the world'.
I'm entering said Pinocchio.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened? they asked.
"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

[PegLeg45]

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'











------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?         

[PegLeg45]

A police motorcycle unit stops a driver for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
 
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
 
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer:  "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"

[PegLeg45]

The economy is so bad--

1.  I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
 
2.  I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
 
3.  CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
 
4.  Hotwheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM.
 
5.  Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the stimulus Package.
 
6.  McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
 
7.  People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8.  The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
 
9.  People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
 
10.  Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

11.  The Mafia is laying off judges.

12.  If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

[Sponsor]

[deepwater]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
 

[MinotBob]

Don't know if this is just a coincidence ,  but....
 
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.
 
Has any one else noticed this?  ...
 
It gets worse next year...   2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong? 

Bill you need to check your facts. Your Chinese years are off.

2007 Year of the Pig
2008 Year of the Rat
2009 Year of the Ox
2010 Year of the Tiger

[philw]

Bill you need to check your facts. Your Chinese years are off.

2007 Year of the Pig
2008 Year of the Rat
2009 Year of the Ox
2010 Year of the Tiger

hehe I know,   the Gay bloke at work was sooo upset when he found out that it was not going to be the year of the Cock

[fightingquaker13]

hehe I know,   the Gay bloke at work was sooo upset when he found out that it was not going to be the year of the Cock

Imagine how that poor SOB in Egypt felt.
FQ13

[philw]

Imagine how that poor SOB in Egypt felt.
FQ13

hahahaha

well stumpy  won't be feeling it now  hahahaha