Classic joke thread...

[philw]

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...

Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[Bill Stryker]

Love it….

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."
 

[shooter32]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.  He was stiff legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.  Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.  He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.  Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"





The old man said, "I thought it was GAS.......................But I was wrong."
 

[PegLeg45]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.  Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you.
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed.
When he finally regained consciousness, he re-focused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien "He dam near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

 

[PegLeg45]

We're in Good Hands

Ah, the automobile industry is now "In good hands."  This is directed particularly to you engineers. 

Automotive Industry Challenge... David Cole
(From a senior level Chrysler person)
                                                 
Monday morning I attended a breakfast meeting where the speaker/guest was David E. Cole, Chairman, Center for Automotive Research (CAR and Professor at the Univ. of Michigan . You have all likely heard CAR quoted, or referred to in the auto industry news lately.
                                                 
Mr. Cole, who is an engineer by training, told many stories of the difficulty of working with the folks that the Obama administration has sent to save the auto industry. There have been many meetings where a 30+ year experience automotive expert has to listen to a newcomer to the industry, someone with zero manufacturing experience, zero auto industry experience, zero business experience, zero finance experience, and zero engineering experience, tell them how to run their business.
                                                 
Mr Cole's favorite story is as follows:

There was a team of Obama people speaking to Mr. Cole (Engineer, automotive experience 40+ years, Chairman of CAR). They were explaining to Mr. Cole that the auto companies needed to make a car that was electric and liquid natural gas (LNG) with enough combined fuel to go 500 miles so we wouldn't "need" so many gas stations (A whole other topic). They were quoting BTU's of LNG and battery life that they had looked up on some website.
                                                 
Mr. Cole explained that to do this you would need a trunk FULL of batteries and a LNG tank at big as a car to make that happen and that there were problems related to the laws of physics that prevented them from...
                                                 
The Obama person interrupted and said (and I am quoting here) "These laws of physics? Who's rules are those, we need to change that. (Some of the others wrote down the law name so they could look it up) We have the congress and the administration. We can repeal that law, amend it, or use an executive order to get rid of that problem. That's why we are here, to fix these sort of issues".
                       
CHANGE THE LAWS OF PHYSICS ?!?!

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" 
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills..
Enjoy!


1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon..

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.


Corner time.........yes?

[philw]

I think it has been posted before  however it is still funny



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two  men  and  a  woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. 

Kill Her!!!'

'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room.   All was quiet for about 5 minutes.   The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.   She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.   They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.   The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


 

MORAL:  Women are evil 

[philw]

Dead Shits - Choppa's point of view (just a little language warning      )


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RG2-Px-eEDg


 

[True_Texan]

The Fastest Thing

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A BLINK ! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain," said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants!

[long762range]

When Farrah got to heaven, God asked her what was one wish she would like granted. Farrah replied "I'd like to save the children."

And that explains why Michael Jackson went on the same day.