Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Nursery Rhymes I Don't Remember Hearing:

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
******************************************************

[SwoopSJ]

Kinda makes me think of the President / VP deal.   




Cheating spouse?  This one speaks for itself.   

Swoop

[PegLeg45]

Having served his time, and retired from the Army, Sarge became a school teacher and before school started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.

[tt11758]

Instructions on how to handle ALL attorneys.   

[billt]

A fireman was polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he noticed a pretty little girl next door sitting in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the bottom.

The little girl was wearing a fireman's red, helmet and had tied the cart to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine," he said admiringly.

"Thanks," said the little girl.

The fireman looked closer and noticed that the little girl had tied one of the carts strings to the dog's collar and the other to the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague," said the firefighter. "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."

A puzzled frown creased the little girl's pretty face for a moment. She looked at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat and then shyly looked into the fireman's eyes and said: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?"

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

The Cremated Husband

 

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

 

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

 

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

 

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

 

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" ...... "Here it comes."

[Majer]

Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot two Congressmen and two illegal immigrants! 

Of
 course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three
meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning
and all the health care you need!  Need new teeth? No problem.  Need
glasses? That’s great.  Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?
 They’re all covered.  And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and
visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?  It’s the same government that just told you that you they
 cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.



IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

[tombogan03884]

A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
 parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

 Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
 and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
 change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
 polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
 think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

 Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
 The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
 parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
 threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
 freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
 and screamed.
 Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
 for over a minute.

 Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
 the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
 onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
 may have offended you with my rude language and
 actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
 inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
 everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

 John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

 As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
 dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
 softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Bill Stryker]

Alcohol Abuse Lecture

 

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 

The man replies "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

 

The officer then asks "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 

The man replies "My wife."

[tt11758]

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tree stand near a highway early on the opening morning of deer season.  Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn field nearby.

The buck was magnificent, a once in a lifetime animal.  His rack was huge.  The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.  Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down the highway.  The hunter pulled away from the gun stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do.  You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession.  You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years."