Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I’ve noticed that many who text message and e-mail have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Leave it to me to like the raunchy ones.. LOL

[PegLeg45]

It helps to know your zombies......

[ratcatcher55]

A real woman is a man's best friend. 

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and
will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .



No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.

[PegLeg45]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied,  'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7.' 

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh!ts in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'   

The old man says, 'Halftime, switch sides'....................

[PegLeg45]

Dear Abby,

    My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
    Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
    Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.
    Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed,

Lost in DC





Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.
You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

[Sponsor]

[Badgersmilk]

[rat31465]

I have always liked the pic "All the Other Reindeer....But here are a few of my other favs.




And Lastly.....Santa's Summer Job.

[Bill Stryker]

This old story out of Texas .  Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.  Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
 
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit.  Are you carrying today?"
 
"Yes, I am."
 
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
 
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.  There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.  And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
 
"Okay," the cop says.  "Anything else?"
 
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.  That's about it."
 
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
 
"Nope."
 
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
 
"Not a goddamned thing..."

[BAC]

It helps to know your zombies......

Consider it stolen.   

[Teresa Heilevang]

Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:  All Employees

DATE:  November 1, 2010

RE:  Gala Christmas Party

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. 

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:  All Employees

DATE:  November 2, 2010

RE:  Gala  Holiday  Party

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. 

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

 

Happy now?

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:   All Employees

DATE:  November 3, 2010

RE:   Holiday  Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To:  All Employees

DATE:  November 4, 2010

RE:  Generic  Holiday  Party

 

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. 

There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:  All F*%^ing Employees

DATE:  November 5, 2010

RE:  The F*%^ing Holiday Party

 

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. 

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Company Memo

FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE:  November 8, 2010

RE:  Patty Lewis and  Holiday  Party

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rdoff with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan