Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida. 

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also still in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him, "How are you  today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
   
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
   
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
   
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
   
"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
   
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
   
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
   
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
   
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[Bill Stryker]

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my
new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

 

 

I was somewhat embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry now, relax, I'm a professional -
I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out ."


 

 

 

 


I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."








I'm on my way to the corner. Is there any Mackinaw Pale Ale left over there?

[crusader rabbit]

Now that right there is funny, I don't care who you are.

Turns out I went to that same gorgeous, young doctor and after she had a quick look, she told me I had to stop masturbating, immediately. 

Fearing the worst, I asked her why?

"Because," she said, " I am trying to perform an examination!" 

[kmitch200]

The Don't ask, Don't tell uniform...

[TAB]

the fire cheif speaks the truth...


 In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.

 A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members lived on the first floor, they died. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Bangers & ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died.

 A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

 Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?

The fire chief said, "They were at work.........."

[Sponsor]

[Majer]

       
THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...


 A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would             leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
 This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed
 the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
 Without blinking an eye she said...”They're 35 cents now."
             

 

[tombogan03884]

    For the longest time, many of us have been trying to figure out just when profiling of people began.  Well, I believe I found the source of that concern.  The day it all started was March 6, 1836.  On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.  He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.  William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.  These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.  With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

     

 

[PegLeg45]

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I’ve noticed that many who text message and e-mail have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[rat31465]

May not be a classic...but it sure is a funny one.  Found this at another forum and wanted to share here as well...be sure to watch to the end.

[PegLeg45]

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural Texas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan".
The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket.
The tent went dark.
Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring.
There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old cowboy.
Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.
Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan".
He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act.
So he buys a ticket.
Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy.
But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table.
The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings.
The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."