Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping  boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves
to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

 Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made  a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official  voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began  crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While  handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store  suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October  22 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH  NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! '

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting
room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

[tt11758]

A married couple was out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.  Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared."


The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded, "Where the h*ll are you?"

Her husband responded, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
 
With a smile blushing, she answered, "Yes, I remember that my Love."

"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."

 

[philw]

Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 1, 2010
RE:       Gala Christmas Party
 
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
 
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
 
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
 
This gathering is only for employees!
 
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
 
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
 
 
 
 
Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 2, 2010
RE:       Gala  Holiday   Party
 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
 
However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
 
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
 
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
 
Happy now?
 
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
 
 
 
 
 Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   November 3, 2010
RE:         Holiday   Party
 
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...
 
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?
 
Somebody?
 
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
 
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
 
Patty
 
 
 
 
 Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   November 4, 2010
RE:        Generic  Holiday   Party
 
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
 
There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?
 
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
 
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
 
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.
 
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
 
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
 
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
 
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
 
 
 
 
Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:    November  5, 2010
RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party
 
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
 
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
 
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
 
Drive drunk and die,
 
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
 
 
 
 
 Company Memo
FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   November  6, 2010
RE:       Patty Lewis and  Holiday   Party
 
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
 
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
 
Happy Whatever!
Joan

[crusader rabbit]

We have good news...

And, we have bad news...

The good news:  Kim Jong Il has died.

The bad news:  He is being replaced by his son, Kim "W" Il.

[philw]

A friend of mine just bought a new Xmas tree. Thinking she might need help, I asked her if she was going to put it up herself? "No" she replied "I thought it would look nice in the corner of the living room".
--
I worked in a record shop when I was at school and a woman came in and asked "Have you got Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" I said "No but I've got two dangling balls on a 7 inch". She asked "Is that a record?" I said "I think so... I'm only 13".
--
I just got a job directing a local play. I thought it was a bit dull so I thought I would liven it up a bit by including a nude lesbian shower scene. The School Board people weren't impressed - said it ruined the Nativity.
--
Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a thin body and a fat pay cheque. Please don't get them confused again this year.
--
I said to the wife "Hey fat c...t what do you want for Christmas?" She said "Don't get f....k lippy!" "Fair enough" I said "Mascara it is then..."
--
I LOVE Christmas lights, they remind me of immigrants. They all hang together, half of the fuckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.
--
Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th".
--
I got a Christmas card from my solicitors today. It wished me, but in no way guaranteed me, a Happy Christmas.
--
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[Sponsor]

[Pathfinder]

We have good news...

And, we have bad news...

The good news:  Kim Jong Il has died.

The bad news:  He is being replaced by his son, Kim "W" Il.

Kim Jong Il is now known as Kim Jong Dead.





h/t to BAC

[philw]

We have good news...

And, we have bad news...

The good news:  Kim Jong Il has died.

The bad news:  He is being replaced by his son, Kim "W" Il.

[PegLeg45]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy, he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly...

'Nith wookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's bachside, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The dwarf gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound and awound just a widdlebit?'

[tt11758]

Have the tissue at hand, this is a tear-jerker....................................



Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And
liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up
your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

[tt11758]

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.   She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'  (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'