Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.  The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!  But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh!  Plop!  A torso pops out!  The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy.  The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .. Swoooosh! Plip!Plop!  Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild.  The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!  Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.  Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out.  The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.  The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says.......
*

*

(Wait for it.)

*
*
(It's coming.)

*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

* (Don't hate me!)

*

*

* (Yer gonna hate me!)

*

*

* (Take a deep breath)

*

*

*

" He should've quit while he was a head!"


Merry Christmas Y'all

[ellis4538]

I don't hate you, not on Christmas!  Just a strong dislike...LOL

Merry Christmas


Richard

[jaybet]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.


'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans
brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."

[tombogan03884]

A new priest, born and raised in  Texas ,

comes to serve in a city parish and is

nervous about hearing confessions, so

he asks the older priest to sit in on his

sessions.

 

The new priest hears a couple of confessions,

then the old priest asks him to step out of the

confessional for a few suggestions.

 

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms

over your chest, and rub your chin with one

hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,'

and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

 

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his

chin with one hand and repeats all the

suggested remarks to the old priest.

 

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think

that's a little better than slapping your knee

and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"

[kmitch200]

The new Obama Presidential Library is finished - - it's full of all he knows!

[Sponsor]

[Timothy]

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[tt11758]

A Christmas Story

 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.


 He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.


 Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.


 I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!



 I've busted my ass for damn near a year,


 Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?


 The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.


The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.



 Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.


 Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.


And just when I thought that things would get better


 Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,


 They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny


 Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?



 And the kids these days--they all are the pits


 They want the impossible--Those mean little shits


 I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds


Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads


I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,


 They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!



Flying through the air...dodging the trees


Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees


 I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment


 I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.



 There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,


 I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

[ellis4538]

Just a warning Santa...BLONDS can be more trouble than anything you mentioned earlier!

FWIW

Richard

[philw]

WHY IT DOESN'T PAY TO ATTEND HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS
 
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.  They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

 

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

 

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

 

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

 

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York’s leading law firms. They live in a 4,000 sq. ft. condo on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

 

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

 

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

 

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

 Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[tt11758]

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.  She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.  You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy
yourself.