Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1160381 times)

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2008, 01:40:06 am »
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."


 
One more. ..!  ;)
 
  A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
 After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis."



Ok.. I'm done  ;D ;D

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tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #21 on: January 18, 2008, 04:06:21 am »
Marshal'ette, I wonder where you hang out at Ma'am.
   Hillary is traveling down acountry road when an old cow walks out in front of her limo. Her Driver locks up the brakes ,swerves, really tries to miss the cow cuz he figures he'll catch he77 from her majesty if he disturbs her. It's no good though, he nails that cow square and kills it. Her excellancy just growls, "Here ,give the farmer $500 and lets get going", so the Driver walks toward the house and disappears.
   About 2 hours later The Driver comes staggering back, He's got a big old Havana cigar in one hand , a magnum of GOOD champiagn in the other, his clothes are all adrift and his grinning face is covered with lipstick smears.
  Hilly is kind of stunned, She demands, "WHAT happened to YOU and WHERE did all this STUFF come from ?"
 The Driver says, I got the Cigar from the Farmer, This champaign came from his wife and his 2 daughters gave me the wildest sex I've EVER had,
 Hilly is shocked , For $500? she asked. Well says the Driver, I went to the door and when they opened it I said I'm Hillory Clintons Driver and I just killed the old cow,  all this stuff happened before I could mention the money.

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #22 on: January 18, 2008, 04:19:02 am »
Bill and Ted were a couple of old fellows who REALLY loved baseball, They'd meet every tuesday at the park and spend ALL afternoon talking baseball. Often they would end up discussing wether there was baseball in heaven. In the course of one of these talks they made a deal, who ever died first would look things over and come back to let the other know if there was or was not baseball in heaven. These meetings went on for years . Then one tuesday Bill didn't showup, The next tuesday Ted checked the park, No Bill. The 3rd Tuesday Ted checked and THERE sat Bill, looking a little younger and some what more spry than usual. Ted walked over to his Freind saying Bill, I know you'r dead cuz your looking to much better, So give me the news ! Bill says I've got some good news and bad news , The good news is YES Ted there is baseball in heaven, The bad news is you're pitching Thursday.

leatherman92

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #23 on: January 18, 2008, 07:59:27 am »
there all Very funny ;D
One riot,one redneck

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #24 on: January 18, 2008, 08:10:05 am »
Ole has been sick for days and is slowly getting worse.  He finally reaches the point that he can't get out of bed on his own any more, and he agrees to let Lena call the doctor.

The doctor comes over and examines Ole then leaves the room and visits with Lena for a while.

Upon returning to the room he explains to Ole that there is nothing he can do, and it is only a matter of time.

Ole begs and pleads for anything to help.  He assures the doctor that he will try anything no matter how experimental or extreme.

After listening to Ole for quite some time the doctor says "Well there is one thing ..."

Ole says "Anything ... I'll try anything!"

"Mud baths ... take three mud baths a day."

Ole's eyes brighten and he says he'll do it.  "Will they really help?"

Doctor looks at him and says "Don't know ... but it will help you get used to the dirt."
If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.

Sponsor

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #25 on: Today at 02:47:15 pm »

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #25 on: January 18, 2008, 11:12:21 am »
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

        "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

        Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

        The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

        "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

        "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajama's?.

"Well," he replied, "today is the viewing."
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Hazcat

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #26 on: January 18, 2008, 11:30:16 am »
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John
Edwards  were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the
window and make 156 million people very happy."
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #27 on: January 18, 2008, 03:53:32 pm »
A woman, standing nude, looks at herself in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
 "I look horrible.  I feel fat and ugly. I need you to give me a compliment".
The husband looks at her a long time and says, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He can't remember what happened after that...
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ellis4538

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #28 on: January 18, 2008, 06:08:53 pm »
She shouldn't have asked!
Used to be "The only thing to FEAR was FEAR ITSELF", nowadays "The only thing to FEAR is GETTING CAUGHT!"

jaybet

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #29 on: January 19, 2008, 08:56:51 am »
A woman, standing nude, looks at herself in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
 "I look horrible.  I feel fat and ugly. I need you to give me a compliment".
The husband looks at her a long time and says, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He can't remember what happened after that...

Sounds like something I would say.
I got the blues as my companion.

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