Classic joke thread...

[gunman42782]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[Steve Cover]

The Pope in Alaska

On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt, and a tree hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest.
The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and hauled it to their truck.

Immediately the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting.....
By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?"

[Steve Cover]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!

[Steve Cover]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[Steve Cover]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear: "No, I Norwegian."

[Sponsor]

[santahog]

Try now!

Thank you!! I'm sure it took me 10+ minutes to read because I couldn't see from the tears.. Probably woke my wife up too..
THANK YOU..

[tombogan03884]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
 
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”
 

[Pathfinder]

Where's mauler when you need him?

[Majer]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend
trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER' !!

[gunman42782]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken....