Classic joke thread...

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

Isn't It Ironic?
 
The food stamp program, managed by the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing food stamps to more than 46 million people in the USA .
 
Meanwhile, the Park Service, also managed by the Department of Agriculture, threatens to prosecute those who "Feed Wild Animals" because the animals may grow dependent upon us and not take care of themselves

[Solus]

This is the JOKE thread, GasPasser...

Well, I guess the Sad Truth can be draw a chuckle or a tear.....

[Steve Cover]

Available NOW!!! Tacticool Beer Mug

http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/tactical-beer-mug-with-scope-mounts-ar-1.php

You need at least four.

Setve

[sledgemeister]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around,
one was called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted.  Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.  Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. So he approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail )
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?" he asked.  'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.   As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not.
That was the old me.
I've changed.'.........

 

 

 

 

 

.

'I've found Cod.

 

I'm a Prawn again Christian'

[red364]

That was pretty good, weird, but good!

[Sponsor]

[sledgemeister]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff:  spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized,
much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mummy.  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm,
and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey,
a pistol, and a survival knife.



She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed
her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Mummy when she's been on the piss."

[sledgemeister]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop! right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've
never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and
cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose.
You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished,
the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls…

You must be a Democrat

[tt11758]

Two Idaho Boys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
 Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

[Teresa Heilevang]

Senior Moments... Brain farts!~~

[santahog]

From a friend in Northern California




I am sure it will put a smile on your face . . . . ENJOY

I got this from my sister who is the genealogist in our family.
It's quite amusing BUT I am not sure if it is reliable.

My sister, who is a professional genealogy researcher in Southern California.
 She was doing some work on a friends family tree.
 
She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. It seems that both her friend and Harry Reid shared this common ancestor.
 
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture obtained during her research is this inscription:
'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
 
So she decided to e-mail Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
 
-----------------------
 Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
 
Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
 Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
 In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889 Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
 
NOW THAT is how it's done, Folks! --- That is REAL POLITICAL SPIN!!
 Real or not it sure illustrates what is coming out of Washington DC very well . . . .