Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM ARIZONA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE
DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

  Now that was funny!!! 

[Teresa Heilevang]

There is always to sides to every issue and unexpected consequences .

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

[DesertMarine]

 
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER
DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:
 
 
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
 
 
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS
THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND
LEAVE ME ALONE.'
 
 
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS
DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
 
 
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID, 'DAD I'M
THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO
A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
 
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM,
OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
 
 
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING
A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE
COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
 
 
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
 
 
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'
 

[PegLeg45]

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second from Chicago responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon from Dallas says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!'

[PegLeg45]

A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin.

The Wisconsin State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.

'You already are,' replied the farmer.

[Sponsor]

[santahog]

Blonde Cowboy
________________________________________
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'

And here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.

[PegLeg45]

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: 'Hello, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Walmart Employee:  'What you want on the cake?'

Customer:  'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

[DesertMarine]

*CATHOLIC HORSES *
 
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
 
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
 
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race
horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
 
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
 
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
 
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.  As the races continued,
the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
 
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
 
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
 
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
 
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a
state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
 
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened?
 
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost
every cent of my savings - all of it!"
 
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.  "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Non-Catholics, you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and last rites.."
 

[tman]

A farmer has this hen he fed nothing but sawdust, she laid 12 eggs, when they hatched eleven chicks had wooden legs, the twelfth well, he turned out to be a woodpecker.

[brosometal]

A farmer has this hen he fed nothing but sawdust, she laid 12 eggs, when they hatched eleven chicks had wooden legs, the twelfth well, he turned out to be a woodpecker.

Ouch!