Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

It is in the realm of the classic "husband vs. wife" context that was meant by the joke.

Lighten up...it's a JOKE thread.

Not saying I was offended, I laughed first (although my ex probably would have done the same thing) THEN I posted about the historical aspect. I went back and rephrased the first line of my post to more clearly convey my meaning.

[PegLeg45]

It's all good. I don't intentionally try to rile people up.
But, I am human (with some mechanical parts..ha ha) and sometimes type faster than I think.

For the most part, I think we're all in the same book, chapter, and on the same page (may be on different paragraphs from time to time, though).

So, I'll have a shot of bourbon and you have a shot of your favorite poison (if you're inclined to pull a cork) and we'll toast to a good laugh.
I could use a good laugh.
 


Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers.

The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."

The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his ass."

The first and second boys where amazed.

The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

[Majer]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to  the husband, 'I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin.'
The  husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.' 'Tiger Woods the golfer?'
 
'Yeah.'

'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they  finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you  doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to  call room service and get
some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she  claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed  and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes  back to bed to make love with
his wife a second time. When they finish, he  gets up and goes over to the phone.

'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room  service
to get some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do  it a third time.'

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed  and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat.  He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks,  'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'

[tt11758]

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &
diagonal preferred)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention
to shoot.

OOO RAH!!

[DesertMarine]

OOO RAH!!

Gung Ho

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....

It reads:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
 
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
 
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
 
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
 
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
 
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'
 
'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ' Please knock on this door.'
 
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
 
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
 
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
 
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT.

[Teresa Heilevang]

[jaybet]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

 Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.   I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

 The journalist leaves.   

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[PegLeg45]

A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. 'Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I  guarantee it.'
The farmer was dubious. 'Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll  tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If  there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.'
The salesman was delighted.
They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a  stake, then off to bed went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly,  haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. 'Son,' he said, 'Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?' The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, 'Doesn't that calf have a mother? 

 

[MikeBjerum]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM ARIZONA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE
DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.