Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

The Democrats have suddenly developed a keen sense of morality.

John Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the Democrat convention for having an affair and lying about it.

Bill Clinton will be speaking in his place.

[jaybet]

Why have an amature when you can go with a pro?

[Bill Stryker]

The Gynecologist who became a Mechanic                                     
                                                                         
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and           
HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another                   
career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to             
become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college,                 
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned           
all he could.                                                             
                                                                         
When the time of the practical exam approached, the                       
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the               
exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was             
surprised to find that he had obtained a score of                         
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying 'I               

don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,           

but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.                           
                                                                         
The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine               

apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You               
put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also               
worth 50% of the mark.'                                                   

                                                                         
After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50%             

because you did it all through the muffler.'   

[PegLeg45]

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.
However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, "No mushrooms -- they are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."
So Janet decided to give it a try.
She picked a bunch -- washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."
Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.

[ellis4538]

Ice Fishing
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verifi- cation by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 (fish), Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice.'

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of
them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[MinotBob]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At eight, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. And last year you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[PegLeg45]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

But, the store wasn't ready yet and only had a few empty shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and look, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, 'What might ye be sellin' here?'.

One of the men replied very sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes'.
         
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doin' well then... only two left!'

[ellis4538]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it
over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene:
What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but
very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

[PegLeg45]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a 'Jerk".

He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a 'doughnut eating jackass.'

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I verbally abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care.

I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important to my health.