Classic joke thread...

[kmitch200]

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
 
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
 
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
 
Barak said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."
 
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes."
 
Barak said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"
 
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
 
Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
 
The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning!”

[PegLeg45]

I recently turned 45 and had to get a new primary care physician at the VA for my Medical coverage.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I will live to be 50?'

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'

'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'
'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.

'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things'.
   
He looked at me and said,
'Then why do you give a s**t?'

[Marshal Halloway]

Jeff Dunham and Bubba J. Click on the player.

[PegLeg45]

Thanks, Marshal...Jeff Dunham is one funny comedian.

Here is a link to one of my favorites, Achmed the Dead Terrorist......


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

[Hazcat]

In one way this is our strength, we laugh at the bastards.

In another way it is our weakness, we don't take them seriously.

[Sponsor]

[MikeBjerum]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the
plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards
his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside
his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out 'Business trip or
pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business, I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago ,'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting
for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your
business role at the convention?'

'I am the lead lecturer,' she responded. 'I take what I have learned from
my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality.'

'Really,' he said, 'and what kinds of myths are there?'

'Well.' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry'
she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't
even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba

[PegLeg45]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.

He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion.

A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed.

When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[Teresa Heilevang]

Discrimination in America
Once again discrimination rears its ugly head........




Will it NEVER end ?

[ellis4538]

Marshalette, where is that bar?

Richard
Proud member Dirty Old Man Club!!!

[PegLeg45]

An old man in his mid eighties struggles to get up from the couch, then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, ask, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going?'
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot!'