Classic joke thread...

[MikeBjerum]

Two older gentlemen were sitting at the kitchen table having some coffee and talking about the old days when Sven complained about his failing memory.

Ole said he was having problems, but his doctor gave him some pills that really helped.

Sven asked what they were so he could ask his doctor for some.

With that there was some stammering and then Ole said "Oh ... that flower ... you know ... with a long stem ... thorns ... a single bud ... usually red ... Oh ... um ..."

Sven blurted out Rose !!!

Yea ... Yea ... Hey Rose ... what's the name of those pills I'm taking?

[Dakotaranger]

As taken from 1911auto.org: http://1911auto.org/forum/showthread.php?p=11201&posted=1#post11201

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[Pathfinder]

Lena and Ole joke from ND . . .

Ole is laying bed, dying. Almost at death's door. His friend Sven comes by to look in on his friend. Ole greeted him, and as they were talking, Ole said he must be hallucinating since he smelled lefse cooking. Sven said "No Ole, Lena's downstairs cooking up a batch." Ole said "I'd love to meet St. Peter at the Gates with lefse in my mouth.

So, painfully, Ole gets out of bed, with Sven's help, and hobbles slowly down the stairs, one step at a time, pausing for Ole to catch his breath, and rest. After many long minutes, Sven helps Ole off the last step and into the kitchen. There, Ole's eyes were greeted with his wife Lena scurrying about, and the sight of lefse everywhere and the kitchen a heaven of its own scents of lefse cooking.

Ole slowly realizes what he is seeing, and slowly, painfully reaches out his hand to take a piece of lefse, as a smile of anticipation crawls across his face. At that, Lena whirls, whacks him on the wrist with a wooden spoon, and sternly tells him:

"No, those are for the funeral!"

[jaybet]

There's an older couple, the woman diagnosed with a disease that is incurable. The doctor has told her to stay in bed as much as possible, and NO SEX, because the exertion could kill her. Her husband has taken to sleeping on the couch so as not to disturb her and not to be tempted.

After two weeks the husband decides he can't take it anymore, and in the middle of the night he decides to creep upstairs and catch the wife while she's sleeping. Halfway up the stairs he meets his wife coming down the stairs.

" What are you doing?", she asks. He says, "I was coming upstairs to kill you- what are YOU doing?" She says, " I was coming downstairs to die".

[Teresa Heilevang]

A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary
Clinton is attending and trying gather more support for her nomination.
Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by
talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them
"circle flies?"

She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But
I've never heard of "circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies" hang around ranches.
They're called "circle flies" because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she
stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of
New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool
them flies though."

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

Marshal'ette,  just passed your Texas joke on to a shooting buddy here in Ohio (he is originally from Texas) and also a political activist and he really enjoyed it!!!!!  I try to convert people to DRTV whenever possible.  There is a lot of neat stuff here that I have no idea how to include in e-mails and etc.  I'm not a computer nerd yet.

[Grizzle_Bear]

Old Sven, who was a fighter pilot in WWII, was giving a talk about his experiences at the Ladies Club.

"So dere I vas, at tree tousand feet, an' dis fokker, he vas right on my tail..." 

At this point, the Chair Lady of the Club interrupted and said, "I should probably inform all the ladies that a "fokker" was a type of German airplane." 

Old Sven replied, "Ya sure, dat's right, but dis fokker, he vas flyin' a Messerschmidt!"

Grizzle Bear

[Walter45Auto]

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and
K. C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is
killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, 'Well, someone
should go and tell his wife.' KC says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that
sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, 'Where did you get that beer, KC?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' KC replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', KC says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Cooter's widow'.'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'... And then I said
'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

[tumblebug]

Girlfrend looks up at the bedroom ceiling and says your done already? Hooker looks up and says arent you done yet wife looks up and says I think we need to paint. LIFE GOTTO LOVE IT.

[Dakotaranger]

Lena and Ole joke from ND . . .

Ole is laying bed, dying. Almost at death's door. His friend Sven comes by to look in on his friend. Ole greeted him, and as they were talking, Ole said he must be hallucinating since he smelled lefse cooking. Sven said "No Ole, Lena's downstairs cooking up a batch." Ole said "I'd love to meet St. Peter at the Gates with lefse in my mouth.

So, painfully, Ole gets out of bed, with Sven's help, and hobbles slowly down the stairs, one step at a time, pausing for Ole to catch his breath, and rest. After many long minutes, Sven helps Ole off the last step and into the kitchen. There, Ole's eyes were greeted with his wife Lena scurrying about, and the sight of lefse everywhere and the kitchen a heaven of its own scents of lefse cooking.

Ole slowly realizes what he is seeing, and slowly, painfully reaches out his hand to take a piece of lefse, as a smile of anticipation crawls across his face. At that, Lena whirls, whacks him on the wrist with a wooden spoon, and sternly tells him:

"No, those are for the funeral!"

I think I was at that funeral.