Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

I know that my jokes that I post are not very lady-like.. but dang it.. I can't help it!
Those are the only kind I can remember and actually those are the only kind anyone ever sends me.. soooo it really isn't my fault.
If they get a bit over the top, and I start to offend some of you.. please tell me.. I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable...
but it really is hard for me to be an angel ALL of the time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I DO try~~~~~

With a disclaimer like this I just KNEW the next onewould be good. 

[Teresa Heilevang]

With a disclaimer like this I just KNEW the next one would be good. 

((( I try real hard to cover my butt.))) 
~~~~~~~~~

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for The Olympic Gold Medal.
Before The Final Match, The Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel Hold' he has.
Whatever you do, Do Not Let Him Get You In That Hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, The Russian lunged forward, grabbing The Redneck and
wrapping him up in the dreaded Pretzel Hold. A sigh of disappointment arosefrom the crowd and the trainer
buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a blood curdling scream... Then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just
in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed
on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked,
 "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The Redneck Wrestler said "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment,
 I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.
 I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit down
 on those babies just as hard as I could."

The Trainer exclaimed, "So That's what finished him off!"

Not really. But you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

[Hazcat]

((( I try real hard to cover my butt.))) 
~~~~~~~~~

GROAN!! (biting tongue) Trying not to....  Must not type.....  AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!   

[ellis4538]

Marshal'ette.............LMAO - can hardly type for the tears running down my face.  BEST EVER!!!!!!!

[jaybet]

What's the difference between a woman in the shower and a nun?
The nun has hope in her soul.

[Sponsor]

[cookie62]

What's the difference between a woman in the shower and a nun?
The nun has hope in her soul.

Took a minute, but that was good

[Outlaw]

That's totally disgusting; and i'm starting to feel uncomfortable. Keep up the good work

[Teresa Heilevang]

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked the cow, then ran over and kicked the pig, and last before he opened the door, he gave a mighty kick to the chicken.
His mom had been watching him from the kitchen window.
So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
 "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you. You kicked the pig so there's no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so there will be no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen, tripped and and accidentally kicked the cat.
The boy looks at his mother and says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

[Marshal Halloway]

It was a terrible nightmare, the most horrible nightmare  you could ever imagine.
 
In the nightmare I found myself naked in bed, and I was looking at a
mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm
circumcised!
Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the
pockets to find my driver license photo - and it was that same color.
Black.
 No, no,no, no, no, no~!  God no, it can't be!!
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, so I sat down in a chair.
But it's a wheelchair!!
 
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also
disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud "This is impossible. It's impossible
that I should be black and Jewish and disabled."
 
"It's the pure and holy truth", whispers someone from behind me. I turn
around, and it's my Boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual
whore and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

 Oh, my God..... !!!!!!!!!!
Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug
addict, and HIV-positive!!!
 
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, reach up to pull my hair, and OH, Noooooo...I'm
Bald!!!
 
The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, "Since mom and dad
died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all
day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of sh**..  Any job."

Mom?... Dad?... Dead?
Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
 
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are
black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug
addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it.
 
Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With
tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a
shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
 
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker? Besides
being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug
addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and
having a bad heart, I live in a crappy cardboard neighborhood.
 
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, "Sweetiepie,
my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going
to vote for in the Primary?
Hillary or Barack?

 Sonofabitch!!!! Say it isn't so!!!
 I can handle being a black, disabled,one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV
positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican
boyfriend, but PLEASE .. PLEASE...don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!!

[Pathfinder]

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked the cow, then ran over and kicked the pig, and last before he opened the door, he gave a mighty kick to the chicken.
His mom had been watching him from the kitchen window.
So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
 "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you. You kicked the pig so there's no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so there will be no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen, tripped and and accidentally kicked the cat.
The boy looks at his mother and says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

M'ette, don't tell Marshal, but I think I'm in love.