Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a
plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he
is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes
a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go
nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more
minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently
wipes it between her legs again. The man has finally had all he can
handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and
three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs!
What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive
me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now
feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
"Pepper." she said. 

[red364]

LOL!!

[Bill Stryker]

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

 
Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz.. Ya vanna try it?"

 
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel and got completely smashed.

 
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

 
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

 
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

 
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

 
Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

 
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

 
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

 
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

 
Ole stopped to think. "No "

 
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee

 

[Badgersmilk]

WORTH THE READ!   



> > For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.
> > They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
> > It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .
> > Judge
> > #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from
> > Springfield , IL
> >
> >
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> > happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
> > to
> > the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> > two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
> > spicy;
> > and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> > accepted and became Judge #3."
> >
> >
> > Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> > flames
> > out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> > I'm
> > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
> > to
> > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
> > saw
> > the look on my face.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
> > me
> > more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> > backbone
> > is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
> > beer.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> > other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> > taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
> > was
> > standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to
> > look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> > aphrodisiac?
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding
> > considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> > the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> > can
> > no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> > had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> > beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> > off.
> > It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> > Screw them.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> > spices
> > and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> > Superb.
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> > sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
> > will
> > eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> > that
> > Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
> > cone.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> > chili
> > peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
> > Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> > uncontrollably.
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
> > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> > shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> > decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> > any
> > oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> > hole
> > in my stomach.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM 'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> > but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
> > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
> > out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
> > if
> > he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
> > hot chili?
> > Judge # 3 -- No report.

[Bill Stryker]

This may have been posted before. If it has, tough. It is still funny.



Transferring To  Detroit ...

On a flight getting ready to depart for  Detroit ..

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside

him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,

moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to  Detroit , there's crazy people there.

They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor

public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in  Detroit all my life. It's not as bad

as the media says Find a nice home, go to work, mind your

own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as

safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.

I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK,

I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck." 

[Sponsor]

[crusader rabbit]

 
JUST FRED

 
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred Johnson. 
 I  studied hard and got good grades. 

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

Well, the  ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. 

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing
 
 

[Bill Stryker]

A TRIP TO COSTCO
                                   
  Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

  What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
 little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
 was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably  shouldn't,
 because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd  lost 50
 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

  I told her that it was essentially a perfect  diet and that the way that
 it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
 one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)

  Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a  heart attack he was
 laughing so hard.

  Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

  Better watch what you ask retired people.  They have all the time in the
 world to think of crazy things to say. 
   

[ellis4538]

LMAO and I sure needed it...not been a good day!

Richard

[PegLeg45]

An oldie...but a goodie.........


Newt Gingrich and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Newt leans in towards Pelosi and says, “Do you know that a simple wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be momentary, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and be happy!”

Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So he backhanded the bitch.

[Bill Stryker]

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE........

A jet is making its final approach to St. John 's Airport. .
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our
final descent into St. John 's Newfoundland . I want to thank you all
for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK"
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got
planned while we're on the Rock?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take
a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge
tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to
my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new
stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to
turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she
goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............
He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'