Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

A "mamma's boy gets married and goes to the finest hotel for his honeymoon, Being that his Mother shielded him from the world he didn't know much about what to do on his first night of marriage. He goes down stairs to the front desk and asks for help. The Hotel manager tells him that it's not a probem as this is a full service hotel. They go back up to his room and the manager takes out a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor. He tells the groom to stand in the circle and not to move until told to do so. The manager then climbs into bed with the Bride and proceeds to perform all manners of sex act on her. The whole time he keeps hearing the groom giggling behind him. When he finally finished he looks at the groom and ask what was so funny. The groom replies " While you were in bed with my wife I jumped out of the circle about 15 times" 

[Majer]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it
for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Loved 'em Majer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A man goes to the doctor after feeling sick for a few weeks.
The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and I hate to have to tell you this...but you're going to die this evening."
The man is totally distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife.

He tells her and bravely she says, "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember.
 "I'm going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles, soft music...-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is literally beside himself.
Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

But the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that his time is ticking away. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. .."Could we make love one more time?"
So she rolls over and again and they proceed to make love.
Again when they were done she rolls over and in a few minutes he taps her once again. "Honey? I don't much time left. Do you mind if we make love again?"
She is getting kind of cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes.
Finally, after they are done, the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man just can't sleep, so he decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. "Maybe just one more time?"
 She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! Easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

[Teresa Heilevang]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.  You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

[Teresa Heilevang]

Last one..and I'm goin' to bed.


A country redneck cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas.

 A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

 HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
 Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. 

So the husband went to the only doctor around which was his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. 

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

 'The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 ''Trust me", said the doctor.

  So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count..."1, 2, 3, 4, 5".  At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.

[SlickRob]

ROTFLMAO!   

[DonWorsham]

 
A dog is truely a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.   

 
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. 

When you open the trunk, who’s really happy to see you?

[wisconsin]

A dog is truely a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.   

 
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. 

When you open the trunk, who’s really happy to see you?

Thanks I'm still laughing as I type this.

[Teresa Heilevang]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?'
SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

' A WITCH!.....  WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW., TAKIN' MY TEETH WITH HER.'