Classic joke thread...

[Pathfinder]

I do believe that I have been hoisted with my own petard!

Better than being hoisted on someone else's petard.

Unless you're into that?

I mean, you went out to get all them cutesy smileys, I figured you had become one of them met-ro-sex-ual types.

[Hazcat]

Better than being hoisted on someone else's petard.

Unless you're into that?

I mean, you went out to get all them cutesy smileys, I figured you had become one of them met-ro-sex-ual types.

AHEM!  Just because I am computer literate does NOT mean I am light in my loafers!

(Yeah, I know you were just yankin' my chain, Path)

[Mig214]

I mean, you went out to get all them cutesy smileys, I figured you had become one of them met-ro-sex-ual types.

Q: What's the difference between a metro-sexual with his boyfriend in a BMW and a porcupine?

A: With the porcupine the pricks are on the outside   

[tombogan03884]

News flash; Sharks DO bite lawyers, happened a couple years ago when they had that rash of shark attacks, might have been an accident though, the lawyer lived. No word on the shark.   

[Teresa Heilevang]

Two 90-year-old men..Bob & Mike, had been friends all of their
lives. When it was clear that Bob was dying, Mike visited him every day.

One day Mike said, "Bob, we both loved playing baseball
all our lives, and we played it all through high school. Please do me
one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Bob looked up at Mike from his deathbed, "Mike ,you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bob passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike was awakened from a
sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Bob...Bob!."

"Who is it?' asked Mike, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike --it's me, Bob."

"You're not Bob. Bob just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bob," insisted the voice.

"Bob!!! ... How are you.. I mean..Where are you.??"

"In Heaven,' replied Bob. "I have some really good news and a
little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Mike.

"The good news,' Bob said, "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[Sponsor]

[cookie62]

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say 'Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat all veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend..
 

[tumblebug]

 Diff between hookers & lawyers [hooker will stop screwing you after death]

[Teresa Heilevang]

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
 now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
 With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
 If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
  But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
 then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have had $214.00.
 Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
 It's called the 401-Keg

[Hazcat]

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
 now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
 With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
 If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
  But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
 then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have had $214.00.
 Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
 It's called the 401-Keg

OH, MAMA!

Thats my kind of 'investing'!

[Bill Stryker]

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As   
they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell   
that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of   
a whorehouse smells like.'